Q: Why do some people walk slowly, as if they have nowhere to go?
A: There’s a few reasons why people do this:
1) They’re slow. Mentally. They must walk slowly so they can maintain their awareness without being overwhelmed.
2) They’re not mentally challenged, but they’re still stupid.
3) Life confuses them. They don’t know what the f**k is going on.
4) They really have nowhere to go. They’re that devoid of life. Pity them for their sorry existence, but only for a short while. Then push them the hell out of your way so you can resume your own meaningless life. :)
And, whether you’re walking slowly or not, PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN FEET. Don’t be any of the above *and* a lazy f**khead. Not unless you have a death wish.
Q: What’s one food you’ll never eat again?
A: Bean burritos from Taco Time. They’re great going down, but regurgitating them due to food poisoning is a bitch. I’ll never forget the taste of that spicy, protein-laden acid eating away at my throat for two days.
Q: What was the happiest moment in your life?
A: Good lord, I hate it when I can’t tell if questions like this are sincere or not. Either way, I think it was the day I received my certificate of mastery for dildo harvesting in Farmville.
Remember, if you want to see the answer to your question on this site, submit it on the form that’s just off to the right!
I appreciate those of you who took the time to submit a question. If I keep receiving questions, I’ll consider making this a regular feature on OTP, so ask away! Let’s keep this train a’rolling!
Q: Why is Wyoming called Wyoming?
According to Netstate.com, Wyoming is a Dakota Indian word for “at the big flats” or “large plains.” Infoplease.com says it is a Delaware Indian word meaning “mountains and valleys alternating.” I have my own theory. I think it’s derived from the Indian word “Whollyshitwherearewegoing” and it means “Get me the f**k out of the middle of nowhere!”
Q: When are you going to send me your purple Cartman shirt?
A: Way to be discrete, friend who shall remain nameless. ;) This is the purple Cartman shirt in question.
I’ll send it to you whenever I can find another one that isn’t a 2XL. That’s the only size Hot Topic currently has in stock, those bastards.
Do you like Jimmy? There’s lots of Jimmy t-shirts available with the fish sticks reference.
Q: Why is Boo the best cat in the whole wide world?
A: Slight correction: Boo is the best can in the whole wide world that is named Boo. We all know, of course, that Teddy is *the* best cat of all cats in the whole wide world. End of debate.
Q: Why are vampires so popular?
A: You must have asked this question because you’re as sick of all this stupid Twilight shit as I am. I’m pretty sure that is where it’s all stemming from. Of course, Twilight is just the latest craze to be spawned by a series of books about things that were previously unpopular. Before this mess, we had Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings in the last decade alone. Prior to that, Scholastic distributed the latest Goosebumps, Baby-Sitters’ Club and Boxcar Children books to kids in such quantity, you’d think they were made of crack. So I’m really thinking that books are the root of all this evil. Blame books. Books are evil.
If you wanna ask your own question, please fill out the form on the sidebar. If you wish, you can submit your question anonymously.
Has anyone else noticed an unusually high amount of stories about animals in captivity killing (or at least injuring) humans in the news lately? I have, and this has left me quite confused. Why is this news? This is simply animals rightfully acting like animals.
Let’s face it: With the exception of cats, dogs,and other small mammals, most animals don’t adapt well to human domestication. You piss them off and they don’t waste time kicking your ass. Even my cute cuddly kitty-cat (who does happily live a domesticated life) whips out the claws when he’s had enough of me. It’s his nature, as it is for all animals, including humans. Lest we forget, we too are animals. We pretend we are more civilized because we sometimes carry out our squabbles in a verbal manner. At the heart of it all, though, our primal instincts tell us we should just beat the shit out of the person that’s causing us distress. We deny ourselves that satisfaction (usually) until it’s absolutely necessary. This is where humans and animals differ. In the words of George Carlin (skip to 4:10), [animals have] “no Miranda warnings, no three strikes and you’re out bullshit. First offense – BAM! …” They’re completely honest about how they’re feeling, and if they don’t like you, you’re gonna know about it. This is especially effective for animals that are bigger and stronger than humans, as illustrated by the stories linked above.
This is why domesticating animals is, for the most part, a bad idea. This is why I don’t feel sorry when people that work at zoos, circuses, rodeos and theme parks like Sea World end up killed or severely injured by the animals they cared for. This is why I love it when the animals win. Humans ask for this kind of punishment when they expect wild animals to feel just peachy about a life of captivity because we give them a consistent supply of whatever scraps they prefer. Sorry, that just doesn’t make up for removing an animal from its natural habitat for the purposes of human gawking, “education,” and “entertainment.” We should have stopped playing with animals larger than us in the days of the Colisseum and stuck to the gladiator fights instead.
When it comes to animals bigger than we are, it’s either them or us. They don’t play by our rules any more than we play by theirs. If we really were “evolved” human beings, we’d recognize this and leave them the f**k alone. It would be the utmost act of respect on our part. I highly doubt that most species enjoy their interaction with us anyway, let alone a life of (attempted) domestication. We completely deserve the repercussions of such foolish, arrogant behavior, and you bet your ass I’ll be cheering the animals when they win.
In honor of a (rare) free weekend, I created a FormSpring account. Go ahead. Ask me anything. Ask personal questions, questions about the meaning of life, the fate of the universe….whatever plagues your mind. You can even ask anonymously, so don’t be afraid. No topic is taboo. I’ll post the best of the questions with their answers in another blog entry.
