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A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. 'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'


Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.


Again the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers.


The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'. 'Africans, any Africans on board?'

No one answers!

'Ok then, 'B'. Black people, any black people?'

Again, silence.!!


'C' - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Silence!!!

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother.


'But Mom, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'


'Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas. Let dem Mexicans and Muslims go first.'

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA .



August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f**kin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f**kin' Perth ....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f**kin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f**kin' throttle him. F**kin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f**kin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f**kin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f**kin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f**kin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f**kin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f**kin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f**kin' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f**kin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f**kin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f**kers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f**kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker. F**kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f**kin' idiot would want to live here!

December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are f**kin' kidding!

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FIFA has released the following press release today----

In view of the wholly unfair outcome of last nights match, FIFA have decided to alter the constitution of the association.
1/ All future World Cups WC,s will be held in ROI. This will eliminate the need for ROI to qualify. They will automatically be entered as Hosts.

2/ Since the ROI will no longer have to play Qualifying games so denying them the income from games, FIFA will compensate them financially. This will be calculated using a unique Irish invention
first used in the Irish province of East Glasgow, and called "the Sevull Calculator". This informs us that at least 15,000,000 Irish supporters would attend every home game. FAI will be compensated for this lose of income.

3/ Since ROI have no facillities to host the WC, FIFA will build 20 new stadiums for them in Ireland .
All these stadiums will be constructed in Kafflick areas. No Proddies will be permitted to walk to, or attend any match, since the Irish find such people walking to be offensive.

4/ Fields of Athenrye will become the new WC anthem and all other national Anthems will be illegal since the Irish find them offensive.

5/ No country with the national colours of Red, White and Blue will be permitted to enter the WC since the Irish find these colours offensive.

6/ Since Holland play in Orange , the previous rule applies to them in spades.

7/ Since hand balls against the Irish will not be allowed, the Sharia law of cutting off the hands will be introduced for all Irelands opponents.

With this new constitution, FIFA hope to eliminate years of discrimination against the Irish and to help them get over their paranoia and victimhood. The above rules will also apply for all Celtic FC games as well.

:akidd:

looking for activation code for call of duty 4 the old game.

HUGE chip on his shoulder i think ...........................

hi guys i have just updated to Windows 7 but i can't find outlook or a mailing program can anyone help before i take it back out thats the only problem i have now and show me how to work and where it is

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.


He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.


But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'


'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'


'No problem,' he says. And in they go.


Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes.


In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.


They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.


So he leans over and kisses Sandra.


No one says a word.


So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.


Still, nobody says a word.


So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.


He looks at her mom..


'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.


Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.


All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.


Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...


Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!