Today it is the first day of spring, and for those of us in the northern hemisphere, it is the season of renewal. (For those of you in the southern hemisphere, please humor me and think back to a few months ago. ;) ) Few things make me feel as alive as when I see the first sprouts of green grass, fresh leaves, and colorful flowers taking place of the lifeless landscape that’s dominated for the last six months. Never mind that it’s not even 30 degrees where I live today (thanks, Arctic chill that blew in yesterday). Even in my frigid corner of the world, the snow is melting and the days are warmer; we’re expecting a high of 54 tomorrow, so I’m not completely living in a fantasy. Surviving yet another wretched winter gives me hope, and in celebration, I make a list of at least five things I want to accomplish during the spring season each year. This helps me feel like I’m kicking ass and making the most of my favorite months of the year. Here’s my list for spring 2010:

1. Survive Latin 1020, by far the hardest class I have taken and must pass in order to graduate this summer. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m hanging in there, and I’m writing this here as a reminder of how important it is that I keep working hard until the very end.
2. Upon passing Latin 1020, my next goal is graduating this summer! Even though I technically won’t finish until the end of summer semester, I still get to walk in the ceremony this May. I’m stoked.
3. Before my family comes to see me walk, I will give my house a thorough spring cleaning. Since school started, I have only been doing the housework that’s been absolutely necessary. I’d rather not have them all think that we’ve been living like slobs since we’ve moved here…even if that really is the truth. :P
4. I will listen to music, take photographs, write, and satiate my creative drive by making time for even the smallest of things that will inspire me every day. Carpe diem.
5. I will consume fewer aspartame-laden drinks and, darn it, drink WATER instead! I have difficulty with this, despite my hunch that aspartame is what has been killing off my short-term memory in the nine years I have been drinking it.
6. I plan on visiting my pal Bro at the Casper Humane Society whenever I am in town. Here’s the backstory: On the same day I started volunteering there five years ago, Bro and his sister, Sis, were also new to the place. They were scared kittens that had been abandoned at the front door. I watched them transform into confident, trusting, sociable cats in the months that followed. I fell in love with them both. I even considered taking Bro and Sis home, but as you probably know, Teddy ultimately stole my heart. Sis eventually found a permanent home and I was so excited when I thought Bro’s day had finally come last year, only to see him back at the shelter the following week; he had been urinating all over the place in his new home. Staff thought it was a behavioral issue at first, but it was later discovered that Bro had kidney problems that were only going to become worse. Now it looks like he will spend the rest of his days at the shelter. He has less than a year of life left and must stay in the quarantine room because he’s on prescription food only he can eat. It warmed my heart when Patrick and I visited him last weekend and he recognized us; we hadn’t seen him in months, but he clearly remembered who we were. And, despite a terminal illness, he was his usual perky self and appreciated our company. The staff is doing everything they can to make Bro’s last days as comfortable as possible, so all that’s left is letting him know how much I love him.
7. On a lighter and much more superficial note, my last goal is to take a risk with my hair, i.e., a haircut. I will, just once, not settle for a trim on my same-length long hair in hopes of finding a new haircut that totally rocks on me. Uhh…suggestions are welcome since I have no idea where I am going with this. Ideas must be low-maintenance yet fabulous. :)

So, am I the only person who does this as a way of welcoming spring? Even if you don’t make a list, what sorts of goals have you stored in your mind as a way of embracing the season?

Cross-posted on The-F-Word.org.

This is the fortune I recently received in a fortune cookie. I think it would have been even funnier if it had said the opposite.

Q: Why do some people walk slowly, as if they have nowhere to go?

A: There’s a few reasons why people do this:

1) They’re slow. Mentally. They must walk slowly so they can maintain their awareness without being overwhelmed.
2) They’re not mentally challenged, but they’re still stupid.
3) Life confuses them. They don’t know what the f**k is going on.
4) They really have nowhere to go. They’re that devoid of life. Pity them for their sorry existence, but only for a short while. Then push them the hell out of your way so you can resume your own meaningless life. :)

And, whether you’re walking slowly or not, PICK UP YOUR GODDAMN FEET. Don’t be any of the above *and* a lazy f**khead. Not unless you have a death wish.

Q: What’s one food you’ll never eat again?

A: Bean burritos from Taco Time. They’re great going down, but regurgitating them due to food poisoning is a bitch. I’ll never forget the taste of that spicy, protein-laden acid eating away at my throat for two days.

Q: What was the happiest moment in your life?

A: Good lord, I hate it when I can’t tell if questions like this are sincere or not. Either way, I think it was the day I received my certificate of mastery for dildo harvesting in Farmville.

Remember, if you want to see the answer to your question on this site, submit it on the form that’s just off to the right!

I appreciate those of you who took the time to submit a question. If I keep receiving questions, I’ll consider making this a regular feature on OTP, so ask away! Let’s keep this train a’rolling!

Q: Why is Wyoming called Wyoming?

According to Netstate.com, Wyoming is a Dakota Indian word for “at the big flats” or “large plains.” Infoplease.com says it is a Delaware Indian word meaning “mountains and valleys alternating.” I have my own theory. I think it’s derived from the Indian word “Whollyshitwherearewegoing” and it means “Get me the f**k out of the middle of nowhere!”

Q: When are you going to send me your purple Cartman shirt?

A: Way to be discrete, friend who shall remain nameless. ;) This is the purple Cartman shirt in question.

I’ll send it to you whenever I can find another one that isn’t a 2XL. That’s the only size Hot Topic currently has in stock, those bastards.

Do you like Jimmy? There’s lots of Jimmy t-shirts available with the fish sticks reference.

Q: Why is Boo the best cat in the whole wide world?

A: Slight correction: Boo is the best can in the whole wide world that is named Boo. We all know, of course, that Teddy is *the* best cat of all cats in the whole wide world. End of debate.

Q: Why are vampires so popular?

A: You must have asked this question because you’re as sick of all this stupid Twilight shit as I am. I’m pretty sure that is where it’s all stemming from. Of course, Twilight is just the latest craze to be spawned by a series of books about things that were previously unpopular. Before this mess, we had Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings in the last decade alone. Prior to that, Scholastic distributed the latest Goosebumps, Baby-Sitters’ Club and Boxcar Children books to kids in such quantity, you’d think they were made of crack. So I’m really thinking that books are the root of all this evil. Blame books. Books are evil.

If you wanna ask your own question, please fill out the form on the sidebar. If you wish, you can submit your question anonymously.