Over the last few months, I’ve been dealing with a virtual epidemic of irresponsible, immature, and dysfunctional parents. That may sound harsh, but please read on and see if you agree.

Recently, a family with whom I have counseled found themselves back in family court to settle a dispute over unpaid child support. After a very acrimonious divorce and custody battle, the mother was awarded physical custody of the children, and a visitation schedule was settled upon that kept the father quite involved in the children’s lives. As far as access to the children and an ongoing relationship with both parents was concerned, things were working out very well.

However, after just a few months, the father became very inconsistent in his child support payments, and just a few years into the arrangement, he was now over $10,000 behind.

During the court proceedings, it came to light that shortly after the divorce the father had purchased a very expensive, highly accessorized SUV. And although he claimed financial hardship as a reason for the non-payment of his child support, he was quite proud of the fact that not once had he ever been late with his car payment.

I wonder if it has ever occurred to him that priorities like this speak volumes to his children about love.

Now don’t think I’m just bashing the fathers here… I’ve been running into some mothers that are real doozies as well. Stay tuned for my next post.

I haven’t posted anything for awhile, but I’ve decided that I need to turn my attention back to this blog and try to help as many people as I can. You see, I’m angry. Maybe you will think that is unprofessional or immature or unproductive, but I am.

I’m angry at a court system that lets so many children fall through the cracks. I’m angry at spiteful, manipulative parents who don’t think twice about using their children as pawns in their vengeful games against their ex-spouse. And I’m even angry, but in a different way, at the innocent spouses who, through their naïve faith in the “system,” let their children end up with a custody plan that is not only less than ideal, but in many cases downright harmful.

And I’m letting my anger provoke me to action. Parents, you simply can’t allow yourself to be manipulated by your former partners and you can’t allow your children to be railroaded into custody arrangements that will negatively impact their lives. No matter how defeated your feel or how much energy it may take, you MUST act on behalf of your kids and arm yourself in this battle you are facing!

I’ve met Dr. Barry Bricklin and Dr. Gail Elliot, and they care deeply about you, your children, and your situation. Their publications present you with more information than you would find in years of research on your own, and they all come with a 100% money-back guarantee.

So please go to the Child Custody Library and take advantage of their child custody resources. Let my anger spur you to take positive action to dramatically improve your situation.

My previous article reminded divorcing parents that they should make every effort to avoid fighting in front of their children and to never manipulate their children’s emotions by using them as pawns against the other parent.

Today, I would like to continue my discussion of things parents can do to make their divorce and potential custody battle as manageable as possible for their children.

Despite the fact that it may be extremely difficult for you to communicate with your ex-spouse, you MUST resist the temptation to turn your children into messengers, or worse, spies. If you have something to discuss with the other parent, contact him or her directly and work it out.

Finally, realize that as a result of your divorce and potential child custody dispute, your children are facing major changes in their lives. In order to help them adjust, parents must keep other changes to a minimum. Avoid making adjustments to the family residence or school district. Do your best to maintain stability in areas of their lives that have not been affected by the divorce, such as sports, friends, activities, etc.

In closing, it is important that both parents frequently remind their children that you are still their parents and you will always be there for them. Continue to love, support, and encourage them, and thus help them to gradually adapt to their new lives.

You and your spouse have tried, but you’ve decided that you just can’t make it work. It’s time for a divorce. Now you must face the emotionally draining task of dividing up your belongings, negotiating finances, and basically dismantling everything you’ve built during the time you were together.

However, if the two of you have children together, this adds yet another element to consider. It is vital that you remind yourself that the children are simply passengers along for this ride through the divorce journey and any resulting custody dispute. You must do the best you can to maintain as much stability as possible their lives.

Many children feel lost and insecure when their parents divorce, and they often may blame themselves for the failure of their parents’ marriage. These emotions are not limited to younger children; older children also experience these feelings. When parents split up and child custody is determined, children experience enormous changes in many aspects of their lives. It is up to you as parents to make these transitions as smooth as possible.

One way you can do this is to agree that you will NEVER fight in front of your children. When children witness these confrontations, particularly when they involve issues such as child support or custody, they typically feel a need to take “sides” in the divorce. Obviously, this will be extremely detrimental to the parent/child relationship.

Likewise, you should never use your children as pawns in the fight against your spouse. When children are forced to listen to constant criticism of one parent by their other parent, they suffer lasting damage. This behavior can ultimately lead to the alienation of the child from the parent (Parental Alienation Syndrome), where the child has had their emotions manipulated to such a degree that the bond between the parent and child are destroyed.

In my next article, I will discuss additional ways that you can make your divorce as manageable as possible for your children.

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) has attracted considerable attention in recent years, and its existence has been the subject of much debate. Whether it truly exists as a diagnosable “syndrome” is not an issue that I am going to debate. I do believe that the characteristics or “symptoms” of PAS can be found in the context of child custody disputes with alarming frequency, and it is definitely a tactic used by some parents to poison their children against the other parent.

Several definitions have been put forth for Parental Alienation Syndrome. The one I like best was written by Reena Sommer, Ph.D., and reads as follows:

“…the deliberate attempt by one parent (and/or guardian/significant other) to distance his/her children from the other parent and in doing so, the parent engages the children in the process of destroying the affectional and familial bonds that once existed.”

Parental alienation is a condition that develops over time, as the “offending” parent exerts an increasing influence on the victimized child. The problem can be characterized by any or all of the following components:

• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent directly to the children.
• A parent speaks badly of or demeans the other parent to others in the presence or within audible distance of the children.
• A parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the marriage broke down.
• A parent exposes the children to details of the parents’ ongoing conflict, financial problems, and legal proceedings.
• A parent blames the other parent for changes in lifestyle, current hardships, his or her negative emotional state and inability to function as before.
• Children come to know that in order to please one parent, they must turn against the other parent.

Without a doubt, PAS is child abuse, and children need to be protected from it. Your first course of action should be to obtain the services of a child and family psychologist who has experience in dealing with PAS cases. In addition, the absolute best thing you can do is to acquire a copy of the Parental Alienation Syndrome package that has been compiled by The Custody Center, under the direction of Drs. Bricklin and Elliot, psychologists and nationally-known child custody experts. This collection of literature will see you through every step of combating and counteracting this terrible heartache, and it has immeasurably helped several of my personal clients. There is help available to you – secure your copy now.

I stumbled across this the other day, and would like to share it with you. It is a wonderful guideline that parents would do well to follow, both during their custody dispute, and after the custody agreement has been decided. It was not attributed, so if anyone knows its source, please let me know and I will get official permission to reprint it.

The Parent’s Promise

For the greatest good of my child(ren), I hereby agree that:

1. I will not speak negatively about my child’s other parent to my child or in his or her presence.
2. I will not tell my child(ren), “that (negative behavior or characteristic) is just like your father/mother.”
3. I will not put my child(ren) in the middle of issues with their other parent.
4. I will not use my child(ren) as a means to get revenge on their other parent.
5. If my child(ren)’s parent has a new relationship, I will not speak negatively of this other person to my child(ren).
6. I will not expect my child(ren) to support my emotional health.
7. On a regular basis, I will ask my child(ren) how they are doing.
8. I will do my best to fully support my child(ren) during this process.
9. I will allow my child(ren) to be (a) child(ren) during this time.
10. I will seek professional counseling if I need to speak with somone about my situation or if I am having difficulty living up to these promises.
11. If I do not uphold the above promises, I admit that I personally am not acting in the best interests of my child(ren)’s physical and emotional health.
12. I will speak with my child(ren)’s counselor at least once each month in order to gain insight into their well-being.

By agreeing to this Parent’s Promise, I am accepting responsibility to provide the best environment possible for my child(ren) during this transition. In upholding these promises, I am also acknowledging to my child(ren) that they have no fault in this decision that was made by their parents. I am fully committed to the best interest of my child(ren)’s emotional and physical health during this time and to their future growth and development.

Honestly and with much love, I commit to this for my child.

Signed, (Your Mom and/or Dad)

Even under the best of circumstances, a divorce and child custody dispute is difficult and emotionally draining. When you are in the midst of this type of situation, many times, doing what is best for your children means taking good care of yourself. If you are mentally stable, well-rested, and fulfilled, it can help you truly concentrate on what your children need, how they are doing, and how you can best parent them. Therefore, it is important to give serious thought to how you will use your time when the children are out of your house spending time with their other parent.

As a society we tend to focus on the children — what it is like for them to switch homes, how to help them make smooth transitions – but at these times it is often more difficult for the parent who is left behind. The following list will give you some things to consider to improve your well-being, so that you can be at your best when the children return.

• In the days leading up to when the children are leaving, think about what you would like to do while they are away. Make plans to spend time with people you really enjoy. If no one is available, decide to do something you really love, like reading a good book or renting a move you always wanted to see.
• During the moments when the children are leaving, try to be organized. Give brief, loving, and calm goodbyes, and make sure that they understand that all of you will be fine, and this is a good thing for them to do. If they see you fighting back tears or suspect you will be lonely, they will worry about you while they are gone, thus making it difficult to enjoy their time with their other parent.
• Make sure to remember that it is almost always best for the children to have a close relationship with both of their parents. Do everything you can to facilitate a strong bond between your children and your ex-spouse.
• While the kids are away, do your best to stay occupied. During the day, you can keep yourself busy with your work, housework, shopping, or other daily tasks that you would like to catch up on. In the evenings or on weekends, treat yourself. Buy tickets for a show or, enjoy a nice dinner out – whatever you can do to ensure that the time without your children is special for you.
• Make sure that you have enough information to set your mind at ease about the children’s whereabouts when they are gone. Have the phone numbers of where they will be, but call only occasionally – just enough to reassure yourself. Providing them with pre-paid phone cards is another way to put your mind at ease; if you know they can call you whenever they need to, you will worry less.

Yes, it will be difficult the first few times your children leave to visit their other parent. However, if you have a plan, and make sure to take advantage of the time while they are gone to care for yourself, your will be building a good foundation on which all of your lives can move forward.

When I counsel families who are facing a custody battle, it is not uncommon for parents to lose their focus on the actual needs of the children involved. That statement may at first cause you to have a somewhat defensive defensive reaction, a tendency to ask what I could possibly mean by that. Aren’t children the primary focus of a custody battle? Please bear with me while I explain…

Many times, by the time a couple gets to the point of divorce, there is a long history of negative feelings and adversarial interaction between them. Even though both parents may want the best for their children, their perceptions of their child’s needs can be influenced by the antagonistic feelings they have toward their ex-spouse.

In this situation, one of the most important elements of good parenting is the parent’s ability to subordinate his or her needs to the needs of the child. When a parent begins to understand this, he or she will become a much better parent and a much better candidate for custody. It is essential to keep your negative feelings toward your former spouse from damaging your child’s relationship with and perceptions of him or her.

In the majority of cases, each parent has a right to a relationship with their child, and the child has a right to a relationship with both parents. Once you can recognize this truth in your circumstances, you will have a much better ability to focus on what is genuinely best for your child. In turn, you will then be more qualified to prevail in your pursuit of a favorable custody agreement.

When it comes to deciding custody arrangements, courts tend to show preference to parents who are respectful and cooperative during divorce proceedings. When you can train yourself to truly view the needs of your child without the bias of any residual negativity toward the other parent, you will have positioned yourself to be at a great advantage in your custody dispute.

In my previous article, I discussed the importance emotional stability, both for yourself and your child, in winning your child custody dispute. Today, I would like to focus on another issue that can make or break a custody case: financial security.

When facing custody litigation, a parent should establish that he or she has secured stable employment with an income sufficient to support the children, even if additional child support income is anticipated from the other parent. For some parents, particularly ones that stayed at home to care for the children, this may require that you demonstrate the availability of financial support from close family members, with the aim of influencing the court in your direction.

Also pertinent to the subject of financial security is the parent’s residence. When faced the question of child custody, it is common for a family court judge to request an examination of the home of each parent. This study will be performed by a court-appointed social worker, with the goal of presenting impartial information regarding the living arrangements available to the children. For this reason, a parent should make certain that each child is furnished with his or her own bed and an adequate wardrobe. While children of the same gender can share a bedroom, it does not make a favorable impression for them to be required to share a bed or clothing.

You should also make sure that the home is safe and properly secured; door locks should be in working order, the home should be clean and free from clutter, and most definitely free from any safety issues. These details may seem overly painstaking, but in a child custody battle, they can become sources of great difficulty when the home study reports are released to the Judge and to counsel.

During a divorce, one matter usually stands out as the ultimate point of contention – custody of the children. In the next few articles, I will examine a few steps parents can take to ensure that they have the best opportunity to win custody of their children.

As with any conflict during a divorce proceeding, the best outcome generally results from communication and compromise between the divorcing couple. However, if these measures are not successful and custody of the children becomes a court decision, you will want to take any actions you can to improve your chances of obtaining or retaining child custody.

Divorce and a potential custody battle is certainly one of the most emotionally draining events you will ever face. As a parent, you will have the best chance to prevail in a legal custody dispute if you diligently pursue emotional stability, both for yourself and your children.

When struggling with a child custody battle, parents should pay particular attention to the emotional welfare of their children. Most courts very carefully examine the essential elements of child welfare including neglect, abandonment or abuse. For this reason, seeking out an emotional support group for yourself and psychological counseling for your children will demonstrate to the court that you have a genuine interest in providing an emotionally stable environment.

A parent facing a custody dispute should also work to ensure that his or her personal actions are of a respectable nature. You can ensure that complicating factors, such as accusations of promiscuous behavior, are not drawn into the litigation by avoiding nightlife, dating, and any new intimate and personal relationships.