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Relationship Information for Dating and Married Couples Seeking To Build Healthy Relationships.


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Internet Predators Fact vs Fiction

This is the first of a series of posts on “How To Protect Your Children From Online Predators.”

A lot of the information that will be posted in this series will come from a seminar I teach for parents and teenagers on internet safety.  The information provided to you in this post comes from Covenant Eyes which provides a filtering service that blocks objectionable websites from your computer.

What are Internet Predators?

An Internet “predator” is an adult who uses online communication to sexually solicit minors.  There are a number of myths about predators; thus, understanding the truth can help us guard against the real dangers that are on the Internet.  This document will include some practical safety precautions that can be put in place.

Myth #1: One in seven youth is contacted by an Internet predator.

This statistic is from the Youth Internet Safety Survey. In reality, many of the “contacts” counted in this survey as “Internet sex offenders” were casual rude comments or solicitations from other youth (not adult offenders).

Fact: On average, 1 in 25 youth received an online sexual solicitation where the solicitor tried to make contact offline (phone, mail or meeting in person).

Myth #2: Most sexual predators pretend to be other youth to lure victims into meeting with them.

The reality is most Internet sex crimes against youth are committed by offenders who do not hide the fact that they are adults with sexual or “romantic” intentions.

Fact: Predators typically seduce young people by offering sympathetic and/or flattering appeals— usually directed toward a young person’s desire to be appreciated and understood. Thus, the young person is lured into taking romantic risks, or is enticed into learning more about sex.

Myth #3: Internet predators lure children to meetings where they abduct, rape or even murder.

These cases are, in fact, uncommon (violence occurs in about 5% of the cases where the predator and the minor meet).

Fact: Most of the time victims meet the offenders voluntarily to engage in sexual activity, typically meeting on multiple occasions. These are crimes of statutory rape, not forcible rape. These instances are, nonetheless, serious sex crimes. The young person generally believes he or she is “in love” or experience romantic feelings for the predator. The predator is taking advantage of the young person’s inexperience and vulnerability.

Myth #4: Using social networking sites (MySpace, Facebook, etc.) and giving out any personal information online is dangerous.

Studies show that posting some personal information online does not put youth at risk. Most people (young and old) who use social networking and other online communities do publish some personal information with no observable risk. When warnings about posting information are so broad to exclude practical information, kids may tend to distrust the source of such advice.

Fact: Internet offenders generally target teens that are willing to talk about sex online. Teens should never release sexually oriented information, erotic pictures, or express an interest in romance. Teens should never send sexual pictures of themselves via the Internet or cell phones (distributing such photos is actually considered child pornography and is a serious crime). Girls are not the only ones at risk. Boys who are wrestling through sexual orientation issues and who are not getting their questions answered at home or in school, may also look to the Internet community for
answers. This makes them a potential target for a sex offender.

Fact: Teens should exercise caution about interacting indiscriminately with unknown people online. Teens need to remember that their personal web page or personal profile can be accessed by others outside their circle of friends.

How can parents help their teens avoid predators?

Nothing can replace good parenting.  A Teen whose questions and emotional needs are not met and addressed at home may seek the Internet for answers.  Teens can make themselves easy targets for predators if they are sexually expressive online—in chat rooms, IM (instant messaging), or on personal web pages.  Young people who express curiosity about sex and romance online are common targets.  Make sure teens are aware of the dangers of predators, and leery of talking to unknown persons online.

This article was originally written and published by Covenant Eyes (http://www.CovenantEyes.com).

blog-talkback

Do you agree or disagree?  Give me your thoughts and comments.

  • Is it appropriate for parents to always check what their children are getting into on their computer? How does this affect trust between parent-child?  How does this impact violation of a child’s privacy?

Subscribe to Family Insights Relationships Blog by Email

Creative Commons License
Family Insights by Cesar G. Gamez, MA is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at www.FamilyInsights.net.




10 Ways To Keep New Year’s Resolutions

Note: You have permission to re-post this blog on your website/blog.  If you do, I ask that you credit me and link the article to my blog.

I purposefully hesitated to post a blog about New Year’s resolutions because most people I know are either avoiding making them or plunge head first towards living them that the first couple of weeks are like a blur.

Since several of you DM me on Twitter asking if I would write on this subject, I decided to go ahead and share with you ten principles that I believe can help you stick with your new commitments.

1. Set SMART goals.

A SMART goal is one that’s specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely. One of the reasons people get discouraged about sticking with their New Year’s resolutions is because goals and visions of change are vague, grandiose and immeasurable.

Example of vague goal: “I want to lose weight.”
Example of a SMART goal: “I want to lose 1-2 pounds during the next 15 weeks by having balanced meals and going to the gym 2-3 times per week for 30-60 minutes each time.”

Example of a vague goal: “I want to make more money.”
Example of a SMART goal: “I want to make more money within the first three months of the year by 1) generating extra sources of income (i.e. getting a second job) and 2) decreasing my spending (i.e. balancing my budget and sticking to it).

2. Write it down.

You’d be surprised by the power of your written words.  When we take the time to voice our goals by writing them down, we start the process of making them a reality.  Writing down your goals can also help  bring clarity to your resolution.  Put it in a journal, print them on index cards, use sticky notes and put them on your bathroom mirror, blog about them or whatever else you decide to do, just be sure to write it down.

3. Make your resolutions public.

Making your resolutions public can help you stay accountable.  Just when you start feeling like you’re ready to give up or slow down, you may have a friend ask that magical question, “so how are your new year’s resolutions coming?”

4. Two are better than one.

Along with making resolutions public, consider the benefit of pursuing a goal with a friend.  Whether your goal is to learn a language, go back to school, read five books or work-out, consider the value of having buddy alongside of you.

5. Whatever you sow, you’ll reap.

The average American farmer will have a lot more to say about this concept than what I have to offer, but I will say that transforming resolutions into reality is a lot like farming.  Much like a seed that needs an appropriate environment, nurturing, protection and patience, a resolution is likely to need the same components if your efforts are going to give any fruit.  Remember, you want to make a long-term commitment to the process of changing rather than a short-term commitment to the pursuit of immediate results.

6. Alter the course as necessary.

As you keep track of your progress, it will be important to alter your course as necessary because life happens.  Unexpected pregnancies, illnesses, deaths, crises, and new jobs are all examples of some of the most common life events that may threaten your overall commitment to your resolution.  So instead of giving up, create a temporary plan to help you stay connected to your goal.  Adaptability is a necessary ingredient for achievement.

7. Make it a priority.

Some experts say that it takes 21-30 days to develop a new habit and 6 months for it to become part of your personality.  Making your goal a priority will require a great deal of intentionality on your part.  Establishing boundaries to protect your goal and your time may be necessary.  Keep this concept in mind: every time you say “yes” to something, you are saying “no” to something else.  Don’t let that “no” be the time you’ll need to be spending on your goal.

8. Give yourself permission to experience grace.

Of course, you will probably do the best you can; however slips may happen.  There may be days when you won’t meet your own expectations but punishing yourself is likely to foster discouragement and lots of negative self-talk.  Extending yourself grace is giving yourself the freedom of having fresh-starts.

9. Celebrate mile stones

Find a way to reward yourself throughout the process rather than waiting to celebrate at the end.  It goes without saying but I’ll say it any way, you don’t want to reward yourself with things that contradict your goal.  If your goal is to save money, then your reward should not be to go on a shopping spree.

10. Look beyond 2009!

One of the main reasons New Year’s resolutions don’t stick is because some people make resolutions in a reactive rather than a proactive manner.

“I ate too much during the holidays so my New Year’s resolution will be to lose weight.”

“I spent too much money during the holidays, so my New Year’s resolution will be to make more money than last year.”

These statements show three dangerous elements of an unhealthy resolution: 1) Impulsive commitments, 2) Problem-focused rather than values based and 3) Narrow views that limit vision.

Impulsive Commitments
There is a difference between spontaneity and impulsivity.  When year-long commitments are made impulsively, people sometimes fail to weigh the pros and cons of a decision.  As a result people end up biting more than they can chew and end up giving up.

Problem-focused rather than values based
There is a difference between people who live attending to the urgent versus people who live attending to the important.  Start by asking yourself, “what matters most?”  The answer to that question will give you insight into your values.  By making your values a priority, you ensure that your life in the upcoming year is focused on your life’s purpose rather than your life’s problems.

Narrow views that limit vision
A healthy New Year’s resolution is one that is made after looking at the big picture and not just the immediate.

Example
Narrow view: “I want to lose 20 pounds this year.”
Vision: “I want to develop a healthy lifestyle.”

Looking at the big picture can give you hope that 2009 has eleven months past January.  So challenge yourself to live past the urgency of the moment.

Copyright © 2009.  Cesar G. Gamez, MA, Family Insights™ · All Rights Reserved.

Subscribe to Family Insights Relationships Blog by Email

Creative Commons License
Family Insights by Cesar G. Gamez, MA is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at www.FamilyInsights.net.




Is Romance Just For Chicks?

Flirting Fridays is a weekly column intended to give creative ideas to married couples wanting to foster oneness, romance and connectedness in their relationship.

While I would typically share five flirting tips for couples, today’s blog is a response to a recent conversation regarding the topic of romance.


I was having lunch with a really good friend of mine who willingly confessed to me that while he enjoys reading my blog, he’s not too thrilled about the “flirting friday’s” weekly column.  In fact his words were, “that’s just chick stuff!”

I appreciated his feedback because it opened my eyes to the type of feedback some of you may give me if you had the opportunity to share a meal with me and talk about life, your family and my blog.  It’s possible some of you may share similar sentiments.

So today, I will not be sharing with you my typical five flirting ideas for couples because I feel the need to address a foundational relationship concept: the importance of romance.

Idea #32
Embrace the Concept of Romance.

It’s unfortunate that as Christians, we have allowed Hollywood’s influence thwart relationship concepts like fervor, passion, excitement and anticipation.  It’s almost as if these words have become taboo and synonymous with a different set of words like inappropriate, immoral, erotic, casual, sensual and puppy love.  But the truth is that any healthy dating and marital relationship is bound to experience an element of desire, longing and personal connectedness.  It’s precisely this type of language that makes the Song of Solomon great devotional reading!  Don’t believe me?  Go take a look - just be sure to not read it in public!

In my opinion the missing ingredient in many relationships that end up losing fervor, passion and excitement is romance.  Romance is the language of love that expresses, “I love you and I value you.”  It’s the relationship fuel that moves you to action in respecting and responding to your partner.  Romance is a powerful force because it has the ability to transform bland commitments into passionate vows.  In fact, this is the expression of love that inspires you to dream, to hope and makes you look forward to the next conversation, the next date or the next kiss.

“But this type of love only exists in fairy tales or chick flicks.” you might say.  “ And if this expression of love exists in real life, then it’s only for a short period of time!”  Others might add, “romance sounds like naive infatuation or puppy love!”

Wow…have we gotten so far away from the idea that flirting is permitted in marriage that we avoid any resemblance of it outside the scope of birthdays, valentine’s and anniversaries?  Yet, King Solomon and his bride share explicit details of their romance.  In the Bible, a marital relationship is often compared to the relationship Jesus has with His Church.  Throughout scripture, you see a multitude of examples of Him attending, leading, loving, protecting, communicating and nurturing his flock.  We are told that Christ loved His Church so much that He pursed her.

The purpose of these “Flirting Friday’s” blog posts is not to present you with 101 easy steps to add wood to a marital fire but rather to invite you to develop an awareness of your relationship flame.  The truth is that establishing romance in a marriage is a developed lifestyle that’s more interested in the continuous process of relationship building rather than checking off items on a “keep the wife happy” to-do list.

Now, I realize some of you will get it.  Others won’t.  Some of you may get it and feel hesitant about implementing romantic principles and strategies fearing that it may somehow affect your sexual orientation or taint your image making you appear as a softie.  And we all know how creepy softie guys can be - right?

So here is my final encouragement to you: Think about it.


blog-talkback

Do you agree or disagree?  Give me your thoughts and comments.

  • What are some reasons men and women struggle with romance?

  • Why is romance an important element of committed relationships?

  • Are all romantic expressions cheesy?

  • What does it mean to love your spouse like Christ loves the Church?

Copyright © 2009.  Cesar G. Gamez, MA., Family Insights™.  All rights Reserved.




New Year’s Resolutions that are worth the effort




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