Description:
Hey, Zeus!.. Think Pink.. ...Except After 'E'.. Thighmaster..
Contents:
Hey, Zeus!
This tattoo is on Paul. He is from Buffalo, that is why that turquoise shirt was acceptable to him...
His Jesus has sort of a "Victor/Victoria" thing going on...one side of his beard is all metrosexual, and he has those ruby red lips. His nose is too short, and the eyes are too wide. You can also see the bulge in Jesus' chin, on the metrosexual side, from his plug of Skoal. Jesus looks fresh from the salon, with his curls neatly set. He should not have let Taz tattoo him.
Paul does have some redeeming qualities, although he is about as dumb as a bag of hammers. He is good at driving on ice, and he is a fancy spitter.
Extra deduction for making JC look like a Tesla coil
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Can I bum a smoke?
--
Think Pink
Jenny is my friend Gabe's girlfriend...fiance...whatever. They live in Indianapolis. Jenny spends 16 hours a day, or more, on her myspace page, where her username is HotTat2girl. She collects Hello Kitty shit, and rainbow posters. She always smells like onions. Jenny has one of those yappy little white dogs named Buster. She has sent countless photos to that goddamned Cheezburger site.
She got this bat-winged flamingo because it is the only pink animal she could think of.
When I mentioned that her tattoo didn't have to be pink, in fact, pink is a bad choice, as it will fade... she looked at me like I was a very small, stupid child, and said " But pink is my favorite color."
I pointed out that tattoos don't have to be animals...and if it has to be pink, she could get a heart, or a flower. She told me that would be dumb, and then went back to adding friends.
I guess a flamingo in Indiana makes sense, as it is coastal, and stays hot all year round. The place must be teeming with 'em.
Extra deduction for thinking that putting widgets on myspace means you know HTML.
In a few years, this tattoo is going to look like Nessie, and 2 sticks.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Thanx 4 the add.
--
...Except After 'E'
Whether it is a dog barking a warning, a rattlesnake's tail shaking, or crickets chirping, animals are constantly sending messages to each other. Louie is sending a message, too. A message to all "Ho's" that his "Bro's" have his loyalty, and you will always take a backseat.
But won't it be worth it? His doleful convict's gaze, and impeccable dress sense, should make Louie quite the popular item, in 5 to 10 years. And don't worry about that pesky sex offender status. Who wants to live within 1500 yards of a school, park, church, bus stop, restaurant, or any other public gathering place anyway?
Extra deduction for the tribal muttonchops. And that shirt.
What this tattoo says about the user:
I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.
--
Thighmaster
Jay lived in Fort Erie, Canada. Just across the bridge from Buffalo. When I was a kid, we used to go to Canada all the time, because the drinking age was 19, (you could buy alcohol, and get served in bars if you looked 16) and the strippers got butt-naked. Jay used to sell hash, and I knew a chemistry major at UB who made top-notch acid, and so our friendship was born. Looking back, it was my first international drug ring. It seemed so innocent at the time. Jay would come over to my house, trade me a block of hash for a sheet or 2, and we were all happy. I didn't FEEL like a terrorist.
His tattoo has always made me laugh. Those thighs...the left arm...those pointy boots. The rumor I heard was that Jay got caught crossing the International Train Bridge, with 4 sheets of LSD. The last time I saw him, he was 23 feet tall, and I could taste music.
Extra deduction for making me listen to Rush all the time.
Bonus for not ratting us out. Thanks, "eh".
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
I am a nice boy. This is the fiercest image I could conceive.
--
We Salute You
One of the funny things about having lots of visible tattoos, is that suddenly, you are the sounding board for tattoo ideas. Strangers constantly tell me about tattoos they want to get... or thought about once... or they know a guy who has something cool tattooed...
Another funny thing, is that lots of these people, are the super-established square dude type. The former 'straight A' students LOVE to reminisce about that time in college when they smoked a bong before class, or that month that they didn't shave, or the copious amounts of beer they consumed in their "wild" days. It is like they want you to know that they have a little renegade in them.
Phil is my dentist. His tattoo is amazing. Really solid design, and the linework is very well done.
This is one of the best tattoos I have ever seen.
Extra deduction for perfection...if that is possible.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Nothing bad at all.
Don't forget to floss
Blood In--Freak Out
I met Oswaldo -aka- "Puppet" in Phoenix.
He was an active member of several intramural gangs and a few street thug development programs. So many, that he no longer wore clothing, as all "colors" are now a potential affront to his colleagues. He had been a scrappy, slap-hitting second baseman at Northern Arizona University, but jumped the team, and his scholarship, and his future, when his brother Reynaldo -- aka- "Gummi-Bear" got jumped by some suckas from the Vista Bloods...or maybe it was the Park South Crips...I can't recall, but "they hate all them bitches, mang!"
After Gummi-Bear got jumped, and Puppet came home, they realized that he needed to remember where he came from. So he tattooed his face enough to ensure that he can never leave home.
Extra deduction for breaking your mother's heart.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
I have alienated myself to gain acceptance...sort of like Dave Coulier
--
Ring Around the Rosy
Lauren is a school crossing guard who works the intersection up the road. I met her when I was taking my daily--well monthly constitutional. In the time it took for the light to turn green, I learned a few things about Lauren:
A) She has lots of tattoos.
B)She smoked Parliaments...and lots of 'em.
C) She got off work in 10 minutes.
Well, we went back to my place. I was trying to think of some suave lines, and when I turned to tell her to use an ashtray, I realized she was undressing, and using the ashtray. I appreciated both. I have never been one to kiss and tell, but, yeah...I f**ked her...
But I make love to you.
Extra deduction for--Stop giving me that look. We have all made mistakes. It didn't mean anything!! Give me a break!! No, I am never going to see her again!!
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
It was good and dirty. I would do it again.
--
Zaius Christ
When Derek showed me this tattoo, I didn't know what to think. Was it a joke? Or did he really think J-Chrizzle looks that much like Dr. Zaius?
I decided to hem and haw for a while, and then just come right on out and ask him about it:
So...(hem)...Derek...(haw)...what the f**k is up with your tattoo?
What do you mean?
I mean, it looks like a sleestack...no!...it looks like Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, but with a bald head!
What? F**k you, man. It is Jesus!
Nope, it is Cornelius. Cornelius-lookin'-muhf**kah. Let me get a picture of that... Have you seen my blog?
Don't you DARE try to put me in that stupid blog of yours!
Oh? You are my next entry...Dr Zaius...and you are going to be speaking in a tiny lavender font.
You are such an asshole.
Touche...
Extra deduction for having the shortest fuse on the planet...(of the Apes)
F**K YOU!! I will "planet of the Apes" your f**kin' face!
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
SUCH an asshole.
--
You Are My Sunshine
Jim used to hang around our band's practice room, AKA Russ' basement, and would try to do "sound checks" for us. One night, he even brought a strobe light, which made me dizzy, and nauseous. We were a crappy teenage metal band, that didn't have a singer, a regular bass player, or a name. We hardly needed a lightman/soundman. We needed practice....some talent would have helped, too. I had to explain to him after he re-tuned my drums once, that you don't touch a man's drums, wife, genitals, or Scotch, unless you have the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
Jim's tattoo sucked so hard that we all just kind of pretended it wasn't there. It became the horribly rendered, cross-eyed elephant on his upper arm...I don't know what/who that is supposed to be, or what that is on her forehead..she looks like she needs some sleep though. Those kooky eyes follow you around the room, too. It is pretty creepy.
Extra deduction for letting Ernie Bushmiller do your tattoo.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
I live with my Grandma.
--
Smell Ya Later!
Ahh Nadine...
She brought out the worst in me for 6 mutually destructive months. Our relationship was fueled by rage, jealousy, vodka, and about 10 pounds of coke. We finally split up because she said I never listened to her or something.
I always laughed at how the tattoo guy decided to edge the "water" up and off...to give it that photograph feel. The night I told her it looked like the mermaid was checking her deodorant was the first night I slept on the couch. I remember yelling through the bedroom door "You are right...that mermaid could NEVER put deodorant on with that HOOF!!!" It was all downhill from there.
Extra deduction for thinking that because I put you in here, I am trying to get in your pants again. I am married.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Another few years of sunlamps, and my shoulders will be ready to be made into handbags.
(Nadine...call me on my cellphone)
--
Articles?
What Sort Of Man Reads Playboy?--The man of discerning taste. He's his own man...a man of means who knows how to stand out in the crowd. He is the guy at the party who is mixing cocktails that are just right, ready to have a discussion about the hip iconoclasts of the day...like Orson Welles, Sammy Davis Jr., and Steve Allen. He likes to put some mood music on the Hi-Fi, and unwind. He is always a high-roller, no matter the stakes.
This is Todd...I mean "T-Money". He is reppin' South Central Council Bluffs, Iowa (Central Plains Love, Bee-yotch!!) Todd--er-- T-Money is one of only 482 Black people in the state of Iowa. He has dealt with his share of racial profiling, and knows that pimpin' ain't easy. He spends most of his time chasing White girls, working at the Sup'r-Sav'r grocery stizz-ore, and trying to make sure they don't catch him ridin' dirty.
Extra deduction for the dog leash bling-bling.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Bitch--Please!
--
Maybe Its Maybelline
When you first pull off the main road, and onto Weldon's property, the first thing you notice is a big sign that lets you know that "If you can read this--you are in range", which is perforated with bullet holes. Weldon owns about 90 acres, in an undisclosed location in Central Texas. It used to be his Daddy's cattle ranch, but Weldon has converted it into a plantation that would have made Bob Marley proud, with a gun collection that would make Iraq nervous. The last time I went out there, he shot a tree not 10 inches from my head. For fun.
Did I freak the f**k out? Yep.
Did I say a word about it? Nope.
Weldon is what is commonly to referred in these parts as a crazy son of a bitch. He was voted Most Likely to Secede by his High School class. Although he has never served in any military organization, he is still fighting several wars, and I like for him to think of me as an ally. I told him once that his tattoo looked like lipstick, and I am lucky to still have 2 nipples, 10 fingers, and no extra holes in my body.
Extra deduction for the goofy font.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
Watch for me on CourtTV...
--
Don't Play with Fire
Cameron played guitar in the worst band I was ever in- Gut Feast...we played at parties, bar mitzvahs, and one very odd wedding. Crappy late '80s metal. We sucked. Like all teenage bands of the day, we were trying as hard as we could to sound like Slayer, without sounding like Slayer. This tattoo is supposed to show that Cam is a bad-ass, and that you had better not f**k with him--or else...
Or else he will unfurl upon you like the black-light poster that inspired this tattoo. And you know that a poster doesn't have to be very big to cause problems. You had better think twice...or ask a friend to help. Or just pay the extra 10 bucks for the framed one. But don't f**k with Cam.
Extra deduction for all those guitar solos. Annoying arpeggio asshole.
What this tattoo says about the wearer:
I am going to live with my parents until I am 30.
--
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