Description:
The Official Podcast of the Top Ten Glasgow Guide, featuring the tragicomic collective voice of Scott Docherty and Alan Macdonald.
Contents:
The Seventh: "Heaven"
The Seventh: "Heaven".
In a continuation of the Scott Docherty Show featuring Alan Macdonald, we race through a load of nonsense in record time. Alan tells us all about how he fitted into the crowd at the recent SECC Kanye West gig, and we ramble on about our mate Jim's night terrors, divorcing trolls in Second Life and World of Warcast, the terrorist baby killer Barack Hussein, and our support of Dead Wife Daniel and Junky Rachel from the X-Factor.
We also provide after-the-fact commentary on the Scotland v Argentina match, and work out what our Official Motto should be. This is why we've experienced a meteoric rise to famedom and were recently given the award for Worst Audio Broadcast of the Year at the Scottish BAFTAs.
It's a goal!
In the words of Ray Charles...
"Here we go again".
We'll be donning our recording boots tomorrow night, mainly for two reasons:
1. At the same time our National Football Heroes (or as they're more commonly referred to, 'our National Football Failures') will be getting shreds torn from their pale, weary bodies by Diego's Argentina at Hampden Park, a sight which, although no doubt amusing, will draw only a pigment of our attention. Come on the boys!
2. And we've got nothing better to do.
There's a faint whiff of excitement in the air about the Seventh episode though. I can smell it wafting out of the impossible chasm of silence our little podcast seems to generate. Despite our venture into cyberspace attracting a pleasingly escalating number of downloads every day, the comments sections on this blog and on my website are beginning to look like what I imagine Manchester looked like following the riots earlier this year - thousands of people standing dumstruck in the aftermath.
I assume of course, that the reason for the lack of commenting is because after listening to any given episode, there's not much more for you to say. We've covered all the issues comprehensively.
I may be wrong though.
All I know is that notwithstanding the resulting tears on our cheeks, we'll record nonetheless. We'll continue to lay bare our innermost thoughts, on the understanding that we'll get nothing in return but tables of statistics.
Like I say, we've nothing better to do anyway!
Plan B
Right, well Alan and I have had a little chat.
He didn't like the use of Latin in my last post.
He wanted us to start using "street talk".
I told him I can't speak the "street talk".
He said just to stop blogging altogether.
I said I couldn't do that either.
He said if I didn't stop writing the blog he'd kill either himself or me.
I said I didn't feel comfortable with that.
So we've come to a compromise.
He's going to stop reading the blog.
Everyone's happy.
Question: Can something come from nothing?
ex nihilo nihil fit?
It's a tough one to think about really.
On a scientific level, if you've followed the evolution of the superstring theory over recent years (I mean if you've not, where have you been?!!), you'll understand that the quantum froth of tiny particles can come in and out of existence temporarily. In other words, something may well be able to come out of nothing, and this has lent itself to an explanation as to how time began.
On a slightly less scientific level, if you've followed the evolution of the For the Love of G...lasgow podcast series, you'll understand that sometimes it's been a great deal more enjoyable for our listeners when we've taken a break from recording and there's resulted a frothing gap of silence in between episodes.
You'll understand that this silence has been a good thing. In other words, something "good" has come out of the silence, out of the nothing.
So it's for this reason that whilst we should have been recording The Seventh this week, purely in the interests of developing our now famously ground-breaking 11 dimensional supersymmetric M-theory of podcasting, we've decided to give this week a miss.
We hope to be back next week with a new episode, an episode you'll hopefully gravitate towards and in which we fully intend to rip ourselves kicking and screaming from the comedic black hole that swallowed us up so ferociously in The Sixth.
Until then therefore, I'd suggest that you brush up by reading some Miemiec and Schnakenburg, so that continuing in our exploration into the origins of the universe, you'll be able to follow more easily our no doubt in-depth analysis of pandas, Gary Glitter, the credit crunch and more.
In the meantime, what did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?
Let me atom.
Eh? Eh?...
Eh?...
Aye!
Best laid plans
Once again the promise of a special bonus recording falls by the wayside, like a victim of a protracted and no doubt unjustified war.
Our mate Jim was home for a short break from his duties in sunny Afghanistan, and the initial plan had been to spread his voice like runny melting butter over the airwaves, the new toast of cyberspace, in a special podcast in which the three of us would combine as allied forces and defeat the scourge of comedy in its own backyard, a precursor for Step Two of Operation For the Love of G...lasgow, the secretive inter-governmental trade and foreign policy mechanism put in place under the pre-emptive Protocol 124585b/08 to secure petroleum pipelines, refineries and terminals in the Caspian Basin, cloaked in a masterfully appalling podcast designed to distort public perception, warp the reality of comedy until the laughter stops completely and the oil exploration contracts are all signed in silent resignation, there being nothing left in life but to sell your soul.
That was our plan.
Instead, we went out and got drunk.
So Jim's now back where he belongs, fighting the good fight for the Taliban, and you're left with myself and Alan, two young dudes in the prime of our lives, wondering with furrowed brows just what happened with Episode 6 after all that glorious work we produced in the Fifth. My first thought is that as with many young dudes in the prime of their lives, we peaked early. That it's all downhill from here.
You'd think that with such a conclusion in mind, we'd just call it quits. Save all those unsuspecting new listeners from the pain of listening to what may only be described now as like two baby boys vomiting over themselves, screeching and screaming and farting for their mothers, tugging at the pet dog who in turn howls incessantly into the night whilst scraping its claws down a chalkboard as it's too stupid to realise that it's not a door, all in a room energised by the Crazy Frog ringtone of a mobile phone vibrating its annoying existence without pause, and the drill of a dentist heaving its evil way into the mouth of a fog-horning, petrified patient.
Well, that's what the podcast sounds like to us anyway.
But either way, I'm sure we'll keep on plugging away however badly it sounds, for whose benefit I just don't know but what does that matter?
We'll record the Seventh. We'll upload it. People will download it. They'll refuse to comment. Alan will get upset. We'll stop doing it. And the whole thing will pass indifferently into the dusty annals of time until years from now, when the world has righted itself again under the guiding influence of our Almighty Overlord Obama, we'll resurface, reband, reform.
Just like Boyzone, Take That and New Kids on the Block.
And there will be rejoicing in the streets.
Kevin Keegan and the Gang [Flickr]
Scottybhoy posted a photo:
This is when we went to the Soccer Circus at XScape Glasgow and met the legend Kevin Keegan 
Heaven or Hell? [Flickr]
Scottybhoy posted a photo:
You decide!
The leaflet Alan got through his door. 
Tracey at XScape Glasgow [Flickr]
Scottybhoy posted a photo:
Showing off her football 'skills'. 
Drowned and the damage done [Flickr]
Scottybhoy posted a photo:
The damage done to my car after it rolled into Loch Lomond and went for a swim! 
Hallowe'en Glasgow [Flickr]
Scottybhoy posted a photo:
Oooooooooooooh it's pure scary so it is! 
The Sixth: "Sense"
The Sixth: "Sense". See what we did there? In our Hallowe'en Special we concentrate on scaring the life out of our remaining throng of Second Life weirdo listeners, by infecting the episode with our definitive guide to the US Election and our spooky take on the Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross debacle, supporting our fellow podcasters by calling during the show a certain erstwhile celebrity from Allo Allo. We also launch our Facebook Group which can be found at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=45951280621&ref=mf, although surprisingly Alan's refusing to join as a member! There's also a few Hallowe'en Special jokes to make your day a little more disturbing than you thought possible, and if that's not enough to propel you over the edge, you can even hear all about our Glasgow Winterfest 3 month podcast we'll be doing in George Square. Oooooooooooooh it's scary! Head over to Facebook now to join us... 
Take Two...
Well, Alan and I are sitting here right now in Macdonald Mansions. We started doing the podcast. Episode 6.
We then stopped doing the podcast. It sucked. Alan's now trying to climb out the window, having purged himself of his clothing and cleansed his white, skeletal body in Fairy Liquid.
So what I'm trying to say here then is that Episode 6 remains in production. We're going to try to record it again on Friday, the Night of Hallowe'en.
Cue the baited breath...
The Fifth: "Bones"
The Fifth: "Bones".
In our brand spankingly new and pointless episode, we laugh pretty much continuously from start to finish, although after listening to it you may begin to wonder why. During certain lucid moments we manage to dribble out some nonsense about Santa singing at Hampden Park, why Kevin Keegan went back into football management after watching Scott at the Glasgow Soccer Circus, how chocolate wispas might add a new dimension to the death penalty, and how Alan would ruin Children In Need.
We also issue a serious PR statement on Hungarians, try to convince our female listeners to give Dave Hitler a go, and most drainingly, discuss the recently rumoured release of the Indiana Bones movie.
No really, this is a podcast about Glasgow!
The same old blues
Well just as I thought I'd got to grips with the crazily-complicated technology behind podcasting, I'm struck yet again with the same old blues.
The fifth and most recent episode of the For the Love of G...lasgow Podcast is now available on the website by clicking here, but that's where the good times end. The problem's with the feed, which means that until I sort the thing, the new episode will not show up on iTunes or any of the other podcast directories.
As always, I'll keep you posted, and to thank you for your eternal patience in the face of my pure ineptitude, we've recorded a wee bonus sketch which I'll release at some point soon.
Fire up the mics
Just to let you know that Alan and I will be recording the fifth episode of the podcast tonight, and that we're also planning on doing a bonus sketch just to thank you all for your interest.
For those who don't know how to comment on this blog, just have a look underneath where you see the word "comments", click it and give it laldy. The reason I mention this is because I got a message through the website the other day saying "your podcast sucks. cant even coment on blog so came hear" (the spelling ain't mine!).
So please feel free to comment all you like on this blog, head over to the website and do it there, or if you've come to the view that we put out just about the greatest podcast you've ever heard in your puff, why not fire on a review in iTunes so we can rise up to the geek-fuelled cloud of superstardom on which we deserve to rest.
I'll try and get the new episode and bonus on at some point tomorrow, so check back soon!
The Fourth: "Improvised"
The Fourth: "Improvised".
Returning after a short but eventful summer break, our fourth episode of For the Love of G...lasgow weighs in at just under 60 minutes for the first time, there being little in the way of interesting material for us to work with. So instead we yap on about cancelled holidays, cars rolling into Loch Lomond, why you should think twice before visiting a Hungarian dentist, how the credit crunch has reduced Alan to eating soil & buying shares in oven chips, and all about the importance of Glasgow's forthcoming Alcohol Awareness Week.
It promises to make you laugh out loud when you least expect it, but as we have all come to learn in this time of financial crisis, promises are merely the duplicitous propaganda of the corporate elite to shape the global political agenda. Don't worry though - we don't say anything about that kind of thing, being more concerned rather with why iTunes hates us with a passion!
Links mentioned in this episode:
The Legend of the Car and the Loch - www.top-ten-glasgow-guide.com/glasgow-holiday.html
Alcohol Awareness Week - www.alcoholawarenessweek.com/events/#glasgow
I'm back!
What a vacation!
To cut a long story short, learn here how, amongst other things, our holiday to Portugal got cancelled and our car drove itself into Loch Lomond, and you'll also see some legendary photos of the car being dragged out kicking and screaming!
We'll no doubt be yapping on about it all in our next episode, which we'll be recording next Wednesday, and I hope to get it online for download a week from today.
It's great to be back - if only because our fortnight of bad luck should hopefully have come to a cheerful end!
Yours aye...
The Third: "Pants"
The Third: "Pants".
'Pants', being the British word for the male undergarment, as well as being our word for something which ain't great (unlike this episode, funnily enough!).
In this, the glossy and much improved third episode of For the Love of G...lasgow, the official podcast of the Top Ten Glasgow Guide, we compose a lovely letter to Mr. or Mrs. iTunes in the desperate hope of becoming a featured comedy podcast. We also blabber on about Alan's return from London to a Glasgow scene akin to Dawn of the Dead, discuss amongst other things our wacky positions on anti-democracy, Michael Jackson's recording of Robert Burns poetry, and how the Japanese police force were duped so cunningly by bits of plastic.
Having tried and failed bitterly to enhance the podcast with some pictures, we still hope tragically that we've done enough in this one to get noticed by, at the very least, the cleaner at iTunes. Even if we're not though, we're absolutely sure that this one's less worse than our previous efforts!
Please remember that we're taking a short break from the podcast whilst I'm on holiday. We should be back at the start of October. Thanks for continuing to subscribe and comment in the meantime!
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