Internet infidelity is a very addictive behaviour. It is on the rise, and it threatens millions of relationships and marriages every day.
According to a recent University of Florida study internet infidelity is growing so rapidly that it will soon become the most common form of cheating on a spouse. Divorce lawyers and marriage counselors claim that it is indeed now one of the leading factors in marital breakdowns. This is a sign of how online relationships have assumed a new importance in today’s world. The Internet has made pornography and fantasy relationships more convenient and more anonymous than ever before.
Ten years ago who would have ever thought it possible to pursue a relationship with someone, or even fall in love with them, without ever seeing them. Today it’s a reality and it’s happening more and more.
What are internet affairs?
Internet affairs typically begin from the comfort of your own home allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through anonymous screen names.
They differ from other real life affairs in that they may not include a physical involvement; however, often the emotional attachment is still there. Internet affairs develop because of the dual attraction of attention and anonymity, and surprisingly enough it’s the anonymity that often make them most alluring. This is because they are seen as fun sidelines without the risks of real life romantic scenarios. Internet affairs typically develop because the online relationship meets various social and psychological need, with self-esteem needs often appearing at the top of that list.
They are predominantly fantasy-based; but when the choice is made to meet in real life, that is when the danger begins. Internet emotional infidelity can be a stepping stone to other forms of unfaithfulness.
There are many questions about online relationships.
Why are Internet relationships so alluring even to people who would not otherwise pursue an extramarital affair? Are online relationships really cheating? Some people think that an online relationship with a complete stranger is not really cheating. But another view is that it is in a different way because it takes the love and companionship away from the other person in your relationship.
How would you feel if you discovered your loved one corresponding intimately with a complete stranger? The scary thing is that it’s so commonplace now that it could already be happening.
Why should you be concerned?
The alarming statistics signify a new trend in how online relationships have assumed a new importance in today’s world. Internet infidelity is as easy as clicking a mouse. It is real, and it can happen to you. Too many relationships are destroyed by internet infidelity for you to be complacent.
To learn how to deal with internet infidelity in your relationship or marriage here’s what you must do next…
Doug and Christina Young are Relationship Coaches who really can walk the talk, having survived infidelity in their own marriage and come out of it much stronger http://www.askdougandchris.com
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
For more information on the different kinds of affairs, what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site.
About the Author: Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627
With personal / family debt levels continually rising the pressure on marriages in continually increasing with nearly half of married couples arguing over financial issues, which makes financial problems in a marriage one of the main common marriage problems.
As the saying goes ‘money is what makes the world go round’ and not being able to spend money on the things you want to spend it on significantly increases the levels of stress in a relationship.
It is particularly hard when couples:
• first get together after having it easy living at home,
• have only had to think about number one in the past,
• have a new baby to consider,
• have been used to good incomes and are then hit by hard times or
• have just let their finances get out of control.
Having enough money to spend is important and it is so easy for spending to get out of control. I know so many people who just spend and spend, leave nothing for a rainy day and get deeper and deeper into debt. They often look at me and wonder why I don’t have any financial issues, well that one’s easy, I have never spent more than what I have earned and never spend all the money I have. I always keep a little back and it avoids all the stress when that unexpected bill comes in!
When money is short stress levels rise and with increased stress levels comes the constant bickering, the blame culture and other relationship issues start to arise. Financial problems in a marriage just compound marital problems and small things that were never previously an issue start to come to a head.
When husband and wife do not have the same opinions as far as the family finances are concerned, financial problems in a marriage become a far greater issue. Partners need to understand that personal finances need to be managed, expenditure planned and bills met even in harder times. They need to learn to focus on the real issue at hand, which is money, and not start picking at other aspects of the marriage which wouldn’t have previously been a problem.
I’m not saying it’s easy, trying to get your spouse to curb their spending habits is difficult especially when you can’t see light at the end of the tunnel but, if you don’t take control of your finances the problem will just escalate and escalate until it is totally out of control.
You have to stop living beyond your means, take control of your finances now and make sure you understand what cash is coming in and what is going out. Write it down, see it in black and white and then eliminate as much of the unnecessary expenditure as you can possibly cope with.
Consolidate any loans you may have but look at the small print, don’t go to companies that are going to rip you off, make sure you shop around. Choosing the wrong loan can be extremely costly and mean more time paying it off. Every penny spent on interest is money that could have been yours to do with as you please!
Set your budget so you can cover repayments plus a bit more (contingency), find ways to cut back and stick to it. If you can cope with paying the loan back quicker then do it. It may be hard in the short term but in the longer term it delivers exceptional rewards. Remember, higher repayments means less interest and more money in your pocket at the end of time!
Oh! and if you want to resolve financial problems in a marriage don’t forget one golden rule that will sort your finances out that much quicker - limit credit cards, if you have to have one then limit it to the one and always, and I mean always clear the balance at the end of the month.
Don’t leave debt on your credit card unless of course its 0% finance – remember 0% means money in your pocket. Again don’t get caught out by the small print and end up paying interest on everything you buy thereafter – transfer your balance onto a new card, make use of the 0% finance but don’t buy anything else using that card.
If you can’t stick to the rules and only spend what you can easily clear at the end of each month rip up every card you have. Don’t increase the amount you owe!!
If you want to save your marriage resolve those financial problems before they take over your life.
Marriage problems have become seemingly more and more prolific in recent years partly as a result of a greater acceptance of marital issues being discussed outside the home.
A majority of the marriage problems that currently exist have always been an issue but have been kept well hidden from the outside world with many married couples being embarrassed to let people know that they have been unable to make their marriage work.
There are an amazing number of people even now who tolerate a less than perfect marriage and ignore common marriage problems rather than being seen as a failure as spouse and parent. What they aren’t aware of is that if they face up to marriage problems and seek the right professional help a currently intolerant or loveless marriage could be easily turned around.
There are very few marriage problems that can’t be resolved if tackled in the right way even in many cases what appears insurmountable problems such as infidelity. The most common link in sorting marital issues is the desire to make a marriage work.
It doesn’t even take both parties to resolve marriage problems and save a marriage. If just one spouse has the vision of what the marriage could really be like the odds of saving a marriage are greatly increased.
Many people believe that they are unable to control the situation once a marriage heads off the rails and marriage problems start to take a hold. They believe that if their spouse isn’t happy there is nothing they can do to make things right.
What if they were to know that they could control the direction their marriage takes just by understanding how to communicate with their partner and how to control any given situation. Marriage problems tend to destroy a marriage because they are ignored and not because they occurred in the first place.
Take for example if one partner likes to start an argument. Their spouse has a choice, to react and fuel the argument or to wait until things have calmed down and then tackle the problem. By choosing to react they have allowed the partner who is angry to control the situation and lay the foundations for which route the marriage is likely to take.
For those who are prepared to learn and are willing to apply a little effort into resolving marriage problems the rewards can be immense. Learning how to control situations and how and when to discuss marriage problems with your spouse can be what stops divorce and gets your marriage back on the right track with the resulting relationship being far better and far more rewarding than it ever was before.
A child custody proceeding is any case involving child protection, adoption, guardianship, termination of parental rights or voluntary placement of your child.
The support order will be based on the child’s needs, obligor’s ability to pay, custody arrangements and the child support guidelines. The Criminal Code makes it an offence to abduct a child to spite a custody order. A custody order establishes both the custody and parenting time arrangement for the children. Your child custody order is also confidential.
When an unmarried mother has a child, the mother has legal custody of that child until a court says otherwise.
During divorce, marriage, or annulment proceedings, the issue of child custody often becomes a matter for the court to determine. The Court must consider the following factors in every child custody decision under the law regarding the best interest of the child. The court retains the power to alter the custody arrangements until the child turns 18 or is emancipated.
You may contest custody, child support, and alimony and property division by appearing in court and filing appropriate legal papers. At the hearing, the court shall hear evidence to determine whether the child custody and support determination should be modified. The fact that one parent has been the child’s primary caretaker is often considered but is not enough to guarantee a custody award. It is not that unusual for middle class parents to spend $60,000 on a divorce and child custody fight. Traditionally, divorce in the United States results in one parent being awarded primary custody and decision making for a child.
Rights
Each parent shares the rights and responsibility for the care, custody, companionship, and support of their children. Some states, such as Arizona, have fathers rights groups specifically dedicated to helping fathers obtain custody of their children (arizonafathersrights.com for example).
Definitions
Custody means that a parent has legal custodial rights and responsibilities toward the child.
Joint child custody means that both parents have the legal custodial rights and responsibilities toward a child. Joint custody allows both parents to have a say in the child’s upbringing. There is no evidence to support that a presumption of joint custody is in the best interests of children. A study found that only when parents were still actively fighting did joint custody exacerbate children’s feelings of being torn between parents. However, when both parents favor joint custody, it can be a good solution for the children. Some parents have chosen a joint-custody arrangement in which the child spends an approximately equal amount of time with both parents. Some states award joint custody in which the judge simply divides the child’s time between the parents. Joint custody does not mean simply alternating where the child lives from time to time. In fact, there may be legal joint custody, but the child may live with only one parent.
Legal child custody includes the right to make decisions about the child’s education, religion, health care, and other important concerns. A child may be placed in foster care while a custody case is pending. Legal custody means the right to determine the child’s upbringing, including education, health care, and religious training.
Physical custody and residence means the routine daily care and control and where the child lives. Physical child custody is awarded to one parent with whom the child will live most of the time. In most cases, both parents continue to share legal child custody but one parent gains physical child custody. There is also a presumption that it is in the child’s best interest to be in the custody of a parent over a non-parent.
Visitation rights allow the non-custodial parent (the person without child custody) time to spend with their child. A common arrangement is that one parent gets custody of the child and the other parent is given visitation rights.
Evaluation
A child custody evaluation is a report written by a neutral professional about you, the other parent, and your children. It is usually not necessary that formal psychological tests be administered to each parent in the context of a child-custody evaluation. The primary purpose and focus of the custody and/or visitation evaluation is to determine what is in the best interests of the child. Comprehensive child custody evaluations generally require an evaluation of all parents/guardians and children, as well as observations of interactions between them. The children are also evaluated in a custody/visitation evaluation.
Attorney
Because of the complexity of child custody matters and the importance of the outcome, it may be advisable to contact an attorney. The attorney should know several child custody evaluators or guardian ad litems that they have worked with successfully. If you proceed with a child custody action without an attorney, you are acting as your own attorney.
In a child custody dispute, there are rarely winners, frequently everyone is a loser, and the biggest losers are often the children. When women fear losing custody of children the stress can be overwhelming. However, in many cases, women are favored as holding custody of their children.
We’ve all been in situations when we make a bad decision or do something that goes against our better judgment. Getting involved in bad relationships whether it be work, romance or friendship, is not specific to education, class, stature, income level, race, sexual preference or age, we all do it. The question is why do we do it? What is the common thread that allows us to repeat average relationships, or continuously attract unhealthy or unfulfilling people, even though we feel we already learned that lesson? Much of who and what we attract, even in love, is determined by the aptitude of the generation before us. If our parents only have an average skill set they can only pass along the same abilities. According to many psychologists, our behavioral patterns, including how and whom we love, are developed by the age of six. As children our ability to communicate is minimal but the power to observe and mimic as a survival skill is deeply rooted in the genetic coding of our species. This means that the relationships we seek as adults imitate the dynamic we observed between our parents or caregivers (up to when we were 6). As we grew older and hopefully wiser, our parents may have tried to give contrary advice; Do as I say, not as I do (or did), but unfortunately the observed behavior was much more powerful than their contradicting advice. For example, if when you were a child, the dynamic of your caregivers relationship was unsupportive and abusive, you most likely will attract the same dynamic even though you may know better. Our species mimics to survive and since it’s the only survival skill you observed at a young age, it the same one you’ll repeat when you encounter the same situations, and in this case, it’s a relationship.
The basic scholastic bell curve also applies to love. The majority of what we learn about romantic relationships falls into the average. Few people are actually taught the necessary skills to love, few are taught the extreme opposite, hate, and most of us fall into the center, having learned average skills in both love and hate. The bell curve shows us that love exists, and is taught as an average skill. If we only recognize an average understanding of love, we can only teach an average understanding of love. Our caregivers did not have the skills to teach us beyond their own average aptitude. On top of that, most of us haven’t realized that the same rules do not apply to everyone. Person A most likely defines love, friendship and work entirely different than Person B, yet we spend our lives living out a generational pattern we observed in our parents, and they observed in their parents. The value system that defines your mother or father, most likely does not apply to you.
Try to estimate how much time as an adult you spend in relationships. Now think about how much time your caregivers devoted to teaching you about being in healthy, fulfilling relationships. We’re they even equipped to do so? Could they have told you that the decisions you make and the people you attract are based on the fundamentals of establishing a strong set of personal values or beliefs? For most of us the answer is no. Our parents were busy working full time, grocery shopping, paying bills, cooking dinner, mowing the grass, and driving us to little league. So it’s no surprise that we jump into relationships based on the average skills we observed.
The first step to breaking the patterns, or average skills you observed, is to spend time identifying what it is you DO want. As mentioned earlier, the foundation to all of your decisions and actions are a set of values, beliefs or guiding principles, as defined by YOU. It’s also replacing the adopted relationship standards with a clear, specific list of qualities that you desire in all of your relationships. For more information, visit our website, at www.livingandlovingwell.com
About the Author
Joseph Stuczynski is a motivational speaker, transformational coach and founder/author of Living and Loving Well, a powerful 4-step method that develops one’s core values as a foundation for creating positive life changes. Joe is available for seminars, workshops and private coaching.
What motivates a tiger to run after his prey? The desire to get his meal. What motivates the prey to run away from tiger? The desire to save his life. That is why, many times, the prey outruns the tiger. The desire to save life gives motivation much beyond the desire to get a meal. To work towards a goal, all of us need motivation. Some of us work to achieve success so that they can to prove themselves in front of their friends. Some work to get more money and live a more comfortable life. Some want to succeed for the thrill of achievement. For every person, there is his/her own motivation.
Why do we need motivators?
For living, we only need air, water, food and shelter. But we are much more evolved than animals. So we want to achieve something in life that satisfies us. Human being is given a mind that thinks. This thinking mind can achieve quite a lot, if it is made to think. What makes the mind think is the motivation!
Achieving in life.
All of us have our own goals. Some of us have very small goals. To feed themselves twice a day and live peacefully may be one such goal. On the other end, few of us have goals that look very ambitious. For example - A small town person living in poverty, makes his/her goal to become the richest person on the earth. Such a person may not become the richest person, but will surely become wealthy, if the goal is pursued intelligently.
How to motivate oneself for bigger goals?
It is not that ambitious goals are impossible to achieve. History tells us that this has been done. Take any field and you will find some achievers who themselves cannot believe about their own success! Was romance one of the motivators for such people? It is said that behind every successful person, there is one of the opposite sex. This is true, because romance is a great motivator.
Why is romance such a great motivator?
In romance, one begins looking at the world with different perspective. everything begins to look very charming. One in love, wants to look good in the eyes of the beloved. In romance one wants to do everything that pleases one’s beloved. Love conquers all the obstacles on the way and impossible begins looking possible. Romance gives a new life to the dead cells of the mind, a new energy to the tired body, and new emotions to the heart. Look at a butterfly. Watch it romancing with flowers and you will find out how life becomes beautiful in romance.
Bring romance in life.
Bring romance in your life. You will find yourself a changed person. You will reach heights from where everything will look small. Let romance motivate you to do what you had only dreamt of. Let romance make you think of new and ambitious achievements. Let romance motivate you to be a success.
One of the most amazing things about marriage is the joining of
the two halves. Marriage is all about a partnership geared towards achieving the same common goal, the ability to overcome whatever life throws at you just because you are together, secure in the knowledge that your life is complete. The inability to strike the right balance in a relationship is one of those small, niggley, common marriage problems that sends a marriage off course preventing couples from experiencing the exhilarating highs of that perfect bond.
One of the great joys of marriage is the ability to work together as one, pool your strengths and support each other, without question, through the highs and lows of life. Unfortunately it is all too common in marriage that one partners needs are seen as more important as the other and just through a few small selfish, often unwitting, acts the relationship is sent off balance and other common marriage problems arise.
Generally it is the weaker partner that suffers, with then giving in to the others needs, just thinking that it doesn’t really matter this once. The trouble is that it never is just this once. The stronger partner gets used to doing things their way and the just this once turns into a continuous pattern which spirals out of control resulting in a one sided and imbalanced relationship.
How often do you see partners assume roles based on gender? But why, in this modern society when both partners are working and the chores have to get done at the end of the day do we still continue down the path that tasks should be split according to gender? So many husbands refuse to help with the household chores claiming they are a woman’s work. I know many men that believe that it is their right to enjoy themselves at the end of the day without having to get embroiled in chores but what about their wives? Do they honestly think that most women enjoy having to come home to cooking, cleaning and ironing, not on your life!!
For a marriage to succeed in this modern society partners need to be flexible, unselfish and conscious of each others needs. Strong marriages are built on trust, communication and the combining of resources. Both partners bring a certain uniqueness to the relationship, their own individual strengths and failings that are combined and used for the greater good of the marriage. Both should contribute equally, in their own way, share the ups and the downs.
When one partner fails to contribute, thinks of their own needs ahead of those of their family, a relationship will start to fail. An imbalance, which is an all too common marriage problem, will occur with one partner feel isolated, unappreciated and ignored.
The aim of any marriage is for both partners to get what they want out of life, achieve fulfilment, be able to work towards their dreams and do it all knowing their partner is happy and fulfilled in their own right. Life changes, dreams change and peoples need change. The secret of a perfect marriage is learning to be flexible, tackling marriage problems together, respecting each others needs and knowing when and how to change.
Don’t let all too common marriage problems put an end to your marriage, learn to communicate, learn to be flexible and learn the art of give and take and above all else work towards both partners goals.
Marriage is a big commitment in the lives of two people. A marriage usually begins with romance but sometimes there are factors that interfere with the amount of romance in our lives. When life gets busy, our romantic relationships and romance all together is often put aside and in the end your relationship could begin to suffer. Sometimes we forget all about romance if we are in a marriage for a while. It’s time to make romance a priority in your marriage. Here are some ways you can increase the romance in your marriage.
There are so many fun and free ways to increase the romance in your life! Increasing the romance in your life and spending more time with your partner may also save your relationship or marriage from going bad.
Make your loved one/partner a homemade card. Make the card with love and use free things that you find around the home in the card that shows you really care and that you put your time into this. Put the card in his/her mailbox and they will find a romantic surprise when they open the box!
For married couples with children, do something helpful that you normally would not do such as bathing the kids and getting them ready for bed, cook dinner, or wash the dishes so that your partner can have some free time. You would be surprised how well the little things like this appear to be romantic and make a big difference in your partners response to you. Your partner will be more likely to reciprocate romantically.
Write some small loves notes and put them in your partner’s lunchbox, in their shoes, in their car, at their computer or any other place that you know they will look during the day. Write romantic thoughts and things to them. Be fun and be creative. Doing this special thing for your partner will encourage your partner to do something romantic for you in turn.
Romance involves really being there for the other person. Spending money and lighting candles is not the only thing you need to do. Real romance is so much more than that. Your romantic relationship should be everything it can be and with fun ideas and romantic tips you can help bring back the “spark” and “electricity” you once had with your partner.
Amanda Compton is a work at home mom to 2 little boys. She owns several websites. For answers to your relationship questions and for romantic tips and ideas please visit http://www.whatsthereason.com
Have you ever noticed how little insignificant and unimportant issues can become a real problem in a marriage? So many couples fall out over something quite minor and then something else and then something else until all the small little issues become one quite big marriage problem.
If the first minor issue had been resolved as and when it occurred then it would be all forgotten by the time the next inevitable marriage problem arose.
It is easy to see the wood for the trees when you are faced with only one or even two problems in your marriage but when all the little problems are left unresolved and the issues begin to mount you start to see a compound effect with a large number of marriage problems all piled on top of each other which are more difficult to unravel.
Take loans for example, if you take out a simple loan that is quite manageable in size and meet the monthly repayments on time then all is ok. If you find one month that you are unable to meet the repayment as long as you sort yourself out quite quickly and meet the repayment the following month the little blip should make much of a difference. If however you fail to meet your repayments the next month and the next month a problem starts to occur and all too soon you get to the stage where your finances are totally out of control. This compound effect is very similar to marriage problems, leave one and you maybe alright, leave another and it still might not have an affect but leave marriage problem after marriage problem unresolved and you will start to find that they totally swamp your marriage.
If you have found that all the little issues in your marriage have compounded leaving you with one big marriage problem then the first step you need to take is to identify the individual issues, sit down and make a list, then once you understand what is actually causing your marriage problems decide which issues are important.
Don’t let trivia get in the way just because your partner might leave their dirty underwear lying around it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of your marriage and it’s probably a trait that was there long before you married. Identify the real marriage problems, things that truly matter, don’t just make a long, long list to just throw at your partner’s door.
Once you have unravelled the compounded issues and identified the true route cause of your marriage problems you will have the taken the first and the greatest step towards saving your marriage.
About the Author: For more on marriage problems visit my website Save your Marriage
