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From Easy Street.. Way More Than Half.. Mama.. The Makings of Me..
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From Easy Street
My smile has come out of hiding and has suffered through a stern talking to. It was partially ironic that the very next day following the previous entry, everything came up roses. Early to bed does more than precede early to rise. I have needed a replacement to my current chair a day after I received it. Unfortunately, it takes a few years and I went to see about ordering another chair. The one that I have now is big and clunky and I had vowed to spend time to get it right. I researched to find a company and I'm confident I made the right choice. It's run by a rather large man with a larger personality. The man that handles sales is his brother-in-law and I was immediately tag-teamed with jokes and sarcasm.
MayaInspire is typically on the serious side of things but I like a little hee-haw every now and again. I spent a total of 4 hours in there with them exploring my options and settling details. In the midst of it all he blurts out "no, you don't want that because that looks too handicapped!" It was all in a joking way ofcourse but that didn't stop the ire from rising. Your girl played it off well, he had no idea that he had just thrown out the equivalent of a putrid carcass in front of me. I know you are probably scratching your head wondering what has gone wrong and I suppose I am as well. I touched on this problem a little bit in The Word Game. Typically, this is not a game I enjoy playing simply because the odds of losing are too great.
I recently had a conversation about titles and perceptions. Someone had gone into a car dealership looking to finance but was declined because he was a "truck driver." A little research and you too will find that there is money to be made in the profession but that clearly is beside the point. He tried the same dealership a few months later but was now a "transport specialist." He left driving a brand new financed car. Someone out there please tell me if it is indeed true that "I comes before E except after Y." I will call you personally because I'm struggling over here. Housewives have morphed into homemakers; secretaries into administrative assistants; strippers to exotic dancers; and ex's are now glorified as baby mamas. I'm not mad at cha, do your thing.
Realities tend to stay the same while these words get dipped in a vat of gold to re-emerge anew. I am dipping, I am dipping right now as we speak/read/write. I heard through the grapevine that reality bites. It has bit me on far too many occasions and there are instances where the Neosporin can't heal one bite before I get another. It is hard and there are no breaks. There are no breaks but I know that bows come by the trillions. There are red bows, pink bows, sky blue, and they even come in my favorite which is lime green. These bows are daintily placed on new and exciting words that redefine ugly and harsh associations thus disassociating us from our realities. Whew, just when I thought we were without a fix!
He is a kind man with a strong desire to hook your girl up. He had no idea, he really didn't. I mean, how could he have known that he was sitting across from a woman who has holes the size of craters in her backyard? These gaping holes have yet to yield an exit from the word game. Until I can successfully dig my way out, let's me and you come to an agreement. We are going to erase "handicapped" from the hearts and minds of everybody. In its place we'll put a word that means sexy as all get out. It will mean defining my world the way that I see it; steadily learning and steadily growing. It will mean overcoming in ways that are the same and starkly different from you. It will mean a life worth living. Suggestions are welcome.
Way More Than Half
I am having a rough go of it today. Because I named this site MayaInspire, must I always inspire? Should I always wear the mask and deliver up only good and positive messages? That would make you feel better about reading wouldn't it? Is it always about you or can I also come here to share and relate through the good and the bad. Is it me or is there a tendency towards roboticism in everyday life? Just turn on the radio and listen to your favorite DJ. Do they ever have bad days? Do news casters ever worry about anything at all? From the looks of things I would posit no. I understand that we want to concern ourselves with positivity and have a bright outlook but can we really pull it off every single day?
I increasingly put forth more effort to be in control of my thoughts and emotions. Can I max out without ever really achieving a state of absolute positivity? Am I striving for something that cannot be done? I often feel that I am. Maybe the battle is won with 87% positivity or maybe I'm just punking out. It is not on my good days that I need the most effort. It is on days like today where I must give all that I have to stay happy and hopeful. I am steadily monitoring my thoughts so that they stay on the productive side and resist being swallowed by uncertainty. I am struggling but I suppose it is good that I know when I need to bear down.
I like being a positive person but more than that, I want to be real. A real person's emotions run the gamut. I hate it when a person has 360 days where they are perfect but they are judged based on the 5 days that were less than stellar. The pendulum swings both ways and that should be acknowledged and accepted. Resist roboticism. 87% is way more than half...
Mama
I had planned on writing something really reflective like how I do but now I see I should have done it when the feeling came over me. Today is a special day and I don't think it will be any less special because of this post. I'm sure you'll let me know! I have not been in the "Mama Club" for long but Mother's Day has always been special to me all my life. When you read about me feeling as though there is a greater plan for myself and my life, I am speaking about many things. One thing I know is that I was purposely placed in the charge of two individuals who were prepared to prepare. I will speak on my father at another time because today is the day for mamas.
My mother is a very kind woman and it has been woven in her thread. She possesses a hard earned resolve that I know is difficult for many to understand. There is a lot less pining and more doing. Her and I have evolved beautifully weathering the storms we encounter along the way. As I do with many people I know, I have tried to imagine what it is like to be her. What is it to raise not only myself but three other children? What is it to wake up and give more than you ever thought you could possess? What do you say and how do you lend support? I know it is not easy but as with everything there are the bright sides. I have always hoped that these bright sides have muted all of the uncertainty she has ever experienced.
A mother's love is wild. I never thought motherhood was on my radar simply because I was a very selfish individual up until the point. There were times when I worried about what kind of mother I would be and how I was going to relate to my unborn. When he got here, I realized that motherhood isn't the kind of thing that requires much effort. My love for my son washed over me and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It flows from an eternal stream, I don't even have to try. I am fortunate to be a mother and I am fortunate to be his mother. I revel in those soft chubby cheeks and the wet kisses. I don't even know how I existed with any type of real happiness before him. One thing about us is that we love hard.
He told me today that I was a great mother. I was elated but then he informed me that he didn't tell me yesterday because I wasn't then. I will take what I can get! From me to you, have an excellent Mother's Day!
The Makings of Me
From top to bottom, I am content with myself. I love the woman that I am and feel equally gracious for the journey that has assisted my arrival. I routinely scrutinize the pieces of my whole in an attempt to locate the essence of me. Who am I? I can rattle off a lengthy list of what my preferences are; what I like to eat and how I like to feel. How did I get this way and would my core self be dramatically different under different circumstances?
It was in college when I was first exposed to the nature versus nurture argument. At the time, it was just something to study so I could pass but I have revisited this notion many times since. I felt certain that we are beings who are culminations of the world around us and nothing more. If I erased my present upbringing and replaced it with torturous conditions, I most certainly would be writing very differently if at all. Children who have been through severe abuse, have a different worldview than those children coming of age in Beverly Hills. We are nothing more and nothing less than our circumstances... or so I thought.
There is nothing like a firsthand experience. I am fortunate enough to be the mother of a very kind soul. I sit at the helm of his ship and marvel at who he truly is. The terms that can be used to describe him are as colorful as his personality. His charm is disarming and this soliloquy is not simply rooted in a mother's love. He is an extraordinary human being that lacks the life experience I had previously thought we all needed to be at a certain point. Nature has emerged in my psyche like only nature can and I am humbled. Contrary to popular belief, MayaInspire knows how to reverse course.
All of this accelerating and reversing has deposited me at the feet of that age old question. I will answer an emphatic ‘NO’ before I even reveal the query. If I had to do my life over again, it would go exactly the same and you can put that on everything you own. If you have read long enough, you know that MayaInspire moves with a swagger. Unending valleys have crafted a ballsy and uncompromising spirit.
Have I missed out on some things? More than a few. My first breath set the wheels on a windy and unforgiving road. I was born a softy but I have been forced to armor myself at the simplest of moments. I have been hardened from pigtails. I mentally wrangled with issues my young mind was not biologically prepared to deal with. My life trumps spontaneity. I have more attention on me in one day than I could ever need in a lifetime. My rose tinted glasses were demolished before I could even discern the view. I have missed out on a few things.
It is not all bad; very few things are. Uncovering perfection in my existence is without effort. It was there before me and even now, it comes, and comes again. My childhood was comfortable and I have always been surrounded by good people and good things. I have overcome situations that were challenging with relative ease. With each successive step I have executed, I cannot help but feel the completeness of it all. This is what is meant for me and the more in line I am with that, the better off I will be.
I am in hopes now that if our paths ever cross, you will not need to ask, wonder about, or hint around that age old question. Through it all, I have found a tremendous love of self. How can I ever long for more? My worldview is different and I would not know how to function in someone else's. I am grateful for everything that has ever taken place in my life. Nature has joined forces with nurture to create the most pleasant of symphonies.
A Few Truths
I am firmly in control of this with "this" being my past, present, and my future.
I am the personification of sexy, therefore; there was never any need to bring it back because it never left.
I am here for not one but many reasons that will be revealed to me in their own time.
Black is beautiful. So is white, brown, red, purple, and green. If you are in it, work that shit like there's no tomorrow.
My life is so purposeful, it is often mistaken for an "accident." Nothing happened here but your ignorance, sweetie.
I am smarter than most. (PERIOD)
I am an awesome mother. I do not even feel I need to wait until my son is of age to confirm that.
When I combine hard work, a pure belief, and deep passion; nothing has ever escaped me.
Everything that has ever happened in my life has lead me to a point where I am more focused than I have ever been.
I love my body. It has given me my son and I wake up every single morning in great health.
I do not like wasting my time on the mundane thoughts, feelings, and actions of another. If you do, stay far far away.
I love chocolate.
The things that I have are paramount to the things that I do not have.
The stage was set long before I made it here. There is no imperfection amidst perfection.
I have given birth to not only a wonderful child but to an extraordinary human being.
There are several keys in this life that once acquired, unlock everything.
We are all here together to interact and enjoy so don't close yourself off to the possibilities.
Grow, grow, and then grow again.
My family is my fuel.
I bask in the things I enjoy to ensure that I will not have the time to think about the things that I do not enjoy.
Take it from me, life is what you make it.
Discarded
I have always known that what you do not know can and oftentimes will hurt you. What I am coming to learn is that what you don't know has the power to haunt you. Here now, gone tomorrow. Will you agree that this is proper and necessary at times? What about when it comes to people? Individual beings with their own set of emotions, ideals, and free will just gone at the drop of a hat. You know what I mean. You have ignored that phone call or quieted the house due to that unexpected knock at the door. Avoided glances and deleted emails once you are done. DONE! Better you let the axe fall than they, right?
This was my mantra. When I am done with you, that is it, and you will no longer cohort with MayaInspire. Mind you there was never anything specific that would trigger my "poof powder." It could be anything from a disagreement; maybe you lost something of mine, or didn't do what I asked you to do. Maybe it had nothing to do with me; you just didn’t dress well enough to suit my middle-school taste. Whatever it was, once you were gone, rest assured I did not give you another stinking thought... until now.
I have been discarded on more than a few occasions and it was painful every time. I would always come up with some excuse to feel better like they will be lost without me or I'm better off without them. This is true in a few circumstances but on the whole, I was disappointed. It got me to thinking that maybe we as people are just discard machines. Always looking for the next great experience. A more exciting lover, an intriguing best friend, or a better coworker. Are we all living life constantly turning over the old for the new? Do I accept this for myself? Do I teach my son better, and if I do, can he carry this out on his own?
I think further and come up with this idea of the moment. I get lost in my moments especially when they are really good. Are some people meant to accompany you in life for the period of time you are acquainted? Once this capsule of time dissolves, one of you has to come up with some way out. Now begins the deleted emails and unreturned phone calls all in the name of an expired experience. That seems so rough and wrong. I suppose I would be a very exhausted woman if I attempted to keep in touch with everyone I have ever known. Would the exhaustion pay dividends when I look at how my life has been enhanced? Just wondering.
I believe that if I dig deep enough and exert enough effort, I can learn something from everything I am apart of. To be utterly honest with you (which I always try to be), I discard less because I let fewer people in. I would like to think of it as taking better care of MayaInspire. Not allowing the wrong people too close to her as they may be more vicious than she ever was. Realistically, I know that I have truncated my prospects for growth. The more people I truly know, the better off I will be. I suppose that is all I am really saying.
Getting What I Want
I had a frustrating day today and who better to commiserate with than you? I had a doctor's appointment almost a year ago and was owed a refund just recently. After being promised a check in the mail, I begin looking for this week after week. I finally call them up and tell them I would like to come by and pick up my money. The nurse then tells me that I will have to wait for someone to call me back and let me know when my check is ready. Now this might be satisfactory for some, but it was not satisfactory for me. After a few tense words, I went down there anyway.
I get there and was told to wait as "Barb" was in a meeting. I wait at the counter contemplating what threats would be appropriate for the occasion when I get summoned. A lady opens a back door and calls me into there like I'm a patient there to be seen. I figured they could see in my eyes that I was preparing to go all out in there. While in the back, everything was resolved and my check was cut. This whole event, exhilarating as it was, reminded me of something that I learned through much trial and error. It has opened my life up and made things simpler for me. I realized that wherever and however, I must get what it is that I want.
Before you go rolling your eyes to another blog let me say that this is not the musings of a spoiled individual. As a child, I was probably one of the angrier pig tailed little girls you could ever come across. I suppose a psychologist might attribute it all to being frustrated with my life’s circumstances. I moved with a scowl on my face and a chip on my shoulder. I routinely missed out on people who came up to me with good intentions and encouraging words. I could not communicate any of my desires effectively enough to see anything to completion. I was constantly wound up until I realized that all of my behavior was holding me back from the goal. I was the impediment towards my own greater good.
This is an important concept that when used right, makes all situations easier. Before, I had a hard time discerning what it was that I wanted. I went into situations and dealt with people expecting certain outcomes. I was disappointed a lot because without a clearly defined goal anything was bound to happen. "What I want" has been many things over time and does not always relate back to me. There are times when I want my money and there are other times where I want the happiness and satisfaction of another. Whatever it happens to be in my life, I always try to clearly define it so that I may go after it.
It is fun to go all out. Let off a little steam on a deserving chicken that is holding your money hostage. It took me some time to grasp that getting what I want rarely involves force or harsh words. I have calmed myself too many times to recount in the interest of my life running smoothly. I have contained many desires, held back when I wanted to just go, and said yes when I really wanted to say no. I have bit my tongue and waited hours, months, and years for the right thing. I now have a hold on what it means to measure my actions well enough so that they may coincide with my outcomes. I have never held myself out to be a perfect person, but, more often than not, I really do get what I want
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