Description:
Strengthening friendships through character building endeavors
Contents:
What Do Men Need?
A Hierarchy of Needs
Fifty years ago the psychologist Abraham Maslow wrote about the Hierarchy of Needs. According to Maslow, people have some needs that basically must be fulfilled in a particular order. Starting at the top, they are:
- Self-transcendence
- Self-actualization
- Esteem
- Belonging
- Safety
- Physiological
Although not every need at one level must be fully met before a person can aspire to the next level, the general outline rings true. Under physiological, for instance, we need air, water, food, and shelter (among other things). If we can't breathe, it doesn't matter if we're thirsty or starving or if we have no roof over our heads. And until those needs are met, we're not likely to worry too much about establishing some protection from saber-tooth tigers (or muggers). Likewise, if we are in physical danger, our self-esteem takes a back seat.
I want explore the middle two items, Belonging and Esteem, and what they might mean to us ordinary men.
Most of us have a sense of belonging in our families, our communities, our places of work. This gives us a rootedness, a compass by which we guide ourselves through life. It would seem a natural thing, then, for esteem to be a logical next step: we are loved, we are useful to others, and so on.
Feeling Like Crap
So why do so many men feel like crap? Or if we don't, why are we of absolutely no opinion about ourselves - in other words, why are we so numb?
We can talk about the devaluing of men in society and the assaults of feminism, and these may be factors, perhaps even significant ones. But I think there's a bigger factor: Men no longer get a sense of belonging from other men.
Many men get only tiny tastes of belonging from within even the best and most loving family. As for communities, they are atomized into cocoon-like households and typically offer even less belonging. Most workplaces are not long on social support, and aren't designed to be.
Many of us, often without knowing why, are isolated and lonely, even when we have a nice job and a loving marriage and family. A numbness sets in, and it feels natural. After all, we're meeting society's and our family's expectations to be a provider, a good and quiet citizen, and (depending on our situation) a faithful and loyal family man. This numbness affects all our relationships.
Men's Belonging
Where can men get a sense of belonging that will resonate with esteem and in turn give us a better sense of belonging in our families and communities?
Here are some other ways to put the question: Where can men get the most connectedness and understanding of what it's like to be a man? Where can men feel total acceptance of ourselves as men? I don't mean acceptance as husbands, or fathers, or workers, or leaders, or heroes, or anything like that. I mean acceptance for simply being male. From other men.
I think if you get a few men together, and give us some time, we begin to come out of our loneliness and isolation to find that we're not the only ones with a full range of spiritual yearnings, sexual joys and frustrations, rage against abusive bosses, deep love for our children and partners, glory in our large and small victories, grief over our losses and compromises, zaniness and raunch, utter fatigue and distraction from just being a man.
Yes, our wives and girlfriends understand us - on their terms, or in terms of being part of a couple. But, simply because we are men, we have a far greater potential of understanding, and being understood by, other men.
This is not touchy-feely encounter stuff with lots of (perhaps) unmanly chatter. Our understanding can be nonverbal, contained in a glance, a knowing grimace, a grunt of appreciation. It's a kind of intimacy, but not the kind in which personal boundaries come crashing down. It's more like finding ourselves standing on common ground, a ground larger than the little islands we thought we were stranded on. When we do talk and listen, it's from the heart, with a clarity that can surprise us. The depth of understanding is a phenomenon I've seen in weekend gatherings, week-long retreats, and an afternoon of drumming and poetry.
The esteem part comes when we realize that we matter to other men, that our value to each other is simply in being men and not in accomplishing great feats. Because other men accept us - whole communities of men - we begin to accept ourselves and matter to ourselves.
This esteem can be brought back into marriages and families, strengthening connections there. In fact, I've heard several men report that, when things got shaky at home, their wives or partners said, in effect, "Time to do some more men's work."
The Challenge
I know it's likely that I'm preaching to the choir here. Most men reading this newsletter have already had some experience in, or at least interest in, men's groups.
But how can we spread the experience around? I'm not talking about becoming a "movement," just perhaps expanding our men's groups to include a few more men, or spawning off a new group in a new community.
I've been told that attendance at gatherings is declining, at least here in the Northeast. If the decline in men's work is widespread, it's possible that, as a collective, men are sliding down further into the pit of loneliness.
So here's an action plan: If you're involved in men's work in a men's group or by attending gatherings, invite another man to join you. If you lead a group, discuss expanding it and encourage the men to bring a friend. If you're not already in a group, you may have to start your own. See How to Start a Men's Group for some ideas.
It's a small start. But each man you bring into men's work is one more man who has a sense of belonging and self-esteem and who can bring those qualities back to his family and community.
©Copyright 2004 by Tim Baehr
...and this is why CIM was born!
Live Now, Die Later
Researches have found that it takes men until they reach the age 65 to start enjoying life as much as they did in their late-teens and early twenty's.
John Barrymore Quote
"A person is not old until regret takes the place of dreams"
The Fog
Florence Chadwick learned the importance of keeping a goal in mind on July 4, 1952. She waded into the Pacific Ocean off Catalina Island and began swimming toward the California coast 26 miles away. The day was cold and her attendants drove off sharks throughout her journey.
Florence had already swum the English Channel twice and, if she could finish today, she would be the first woman to have swum both. But after 15 hours in the water, for the first and only time in her long-distance swimming career, she gave up and climbed into the escort boat. Others had urged her on, but in the fog they could not tell her how near she was to the coast. She later learned that she was less than half a mile from shore.
When asked by a reporter, why she gave up, Florence replied, "It was the fog. If I could have seen land, I could have finished. But when you can't see your goal, you lose all sense of progress and you begin to give up."
On a warm, sunny day, two months later, Florence Chadwick swam the Catalina Channel, handily beating the men's record.
Good Lesson In Leadership
http://louisville.bizjournals.com/louisville/stories/2008/07/14/editorial1.html
The Real Meaning...
Saw a great saying on a t-shirt that read "The Church has left the building". Isn't that what it was supposed to mean all along?
The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch
Donny Deutsch is the host of The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch...Your Daily Roadmap to The American Dream. The American Dream is doing what you love, and making millions... every weeknight at 10p/1a ET, Donny interviews everyone from budding entrepreneurs to Billionaires, discovering their secrets to success and showing you how to turn your idea into a BIG IDEA.
As Chairman of Deutsch Inc., he implemented his "leaner, meaner, faster, smarter" philosophy to transform a small advertising shop into one of the nation’s top 10 agencies. The $2.8 billion full-service agency has provided clients with strategic marketing programs that are intrusive, effective and talked about. Prestigious clients include GM, Johnson & Johnson, DirecTV, Novartis Worldwide, and IKE.
For more information go to: http://www.cnbc.com/id/15838512/site/14081545/
Declaration of Independence
 Drafted by Thomas Jefferson between June 11 and June 28, 1776, the Declaration of Independence is at once the nation's most cherished symbol of liberty and Jefferson's most enduring monument. Here, in exalted and unforgettable phrases, Jefferson expressed the convictions in the minds and hearts of the American people. The political philosophy of the Declaration was not new; its ideals of individual liberty had already been expressed by John Locke and the Continental philosophers. What Jefferson did was to summarize this philosophy in "self-evident truths" and set forth a list of grievances against the King in order to justify before the world the breaking of ties between the colonies and the mother country. We invite you to read a transcription of the complete text of the Declaration.
Why Do Men Have Fewer Close Relationships?
In his book, The Friendless American Male, David Smith says, "Women seem to have a monopoly on meaningful, intimate relationships . . . Men have friendships which relate to work or play, but seldom go beyond the surface." Smith is saying that men are buddies, but are not deep friends. They are with each other, but they do not share their inner selves with each other. They play together, but then do not expose their personal problems to one another. They share problems outside of themselves, but not themselves.
One of the reasons that American males may not share themselves with anyone is that they are competitive. For example, on a football team each player is ranked in his respective position. The same is true in an orchestra where there is a first seat violin and second seat violin. Business constantly rates people by success, dollars, or growth.
But friendship demands vulnerability, sharing, and openness--the very opposite of competition. Men are trained to be competitive, not friends.
Another problem for men is that they are political in their relationships. They think, "What can this person do for me?" or "How can I help that person get ahead so that later he will help me?" Men are great team players. They help others and count on others to help them. But they have not learned to give themselves in love or to receive love. Their relationships consist of bartering, or trading, rather than vulnerability and openness.
Got Issues?
Home repair issues that is. Visit Home Tips to get answers to all your home improvement question.
Aristotle Quote
 In poverty and other misfortunes of life,
true friends are a sure refuge. The young
they keep out of mischief; to the old they
are a comfort and aid in their weakness,
and those in the prime of life they incite
to noble deeds.
June 2008 - Local Business Support
Father's Day History
You may think that Father's Day is a modern invention, but the truth is that a Babylonian youth named Elmesu carved the first known Father's Day card in clay nearly 4,000 years ago. His special message wished his father good health and a long life. Fortunately, modern cards are a bit easier to fit in the mail box!
Mother's Day and William Jackson Smart of Spokane, Washington were the inspiration for an official day to celebrate Father’s Day in the United States. Mr. Smart was a widower who raised his six children after his wife died giving birth to the youngest. He was a single parent for 21 years. This may not seem amazing in the 21st century, but in the 1800's it was unheard of for a man to raise children alone and even today being a single parent of six young children is heroic!
Smart’s daughter, Mrs. Sonora Smart-Dodd (Mrs. John Bruce Dodd), got the idea for Father’s Day in 1909 while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon at her church. She encouraged local churches to institute a Father's Day observance the following year on a Sunday in June, the month of her father’s birthday. Through her efforts, interest in the celebration of Father’s Day grew and spread to other cities, states and countries. She also encouraged wearing roses on Father's Day in honor of fathers. A red rose was worn for fathers who were still living and a white rose honored fathers who had died.
Many congressional resolutions proclaiming a national Father’s Day in the United States were introduced through the years. President Lyndon B. Johnson recognized the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day with a presidential proclamation in 1966, but the holiday was not made permanent until 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed a presidential resolution that made the third Sunday in June officially Father’s Day in the United States. Many other countries celebrate it on other dates.
May 2008 - Firearm Training
The Warren Buffett Way
Men like Warren Buffett don’t just stumble onto the world’s rich list year after year and not know a thing or two about how to run a very successful business. Buffett is more than just one of the greatest investor's of all time, just like McDonald’s is not just in the burger business, but also in the real estate business considering their immense portfolio of prime real estate around the world.
So if your thinking about starting your own business, like thousands are doing every day around the world then who better to learn from then “the Oracle of Omaha” Warren Buffett:
Utilize Good Advisor’s And Mentors “Somebody once said that in looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don’t have the first, the other two will kill you. You think about it; it’s true. If you hire somebody without the first, you really want them to be dumb and lazy.” - Warren Buffett
You don’t have to feel that going into business is a long and lonely journey. There are many people who have ventured on the journey as you and many are more than happy to share their business wisdom that they have fostered along the way. Finding good advisor’s and mentors means that you are building a team of quality people around you that will help enable you to make better informed decisions.
While they are no guarantee to success they will hopefully help you to drastically reduce simple beginner mistakes that can cost you thousands and countless wasted hours. Buffett says “If you don’t know jewelry, know the jeweler” so it is with business, if you don’t know accounting get yourself an accountant. Your team at it’s core should include an accountant and solicitor whom you trust and get along with. In the larger scheme a mentor is someone who would be greatly beneficial to your journey. The only thing I would suggest to steer clear of is business coaches who offer their services for a fee. While I’m not suggesting that all are bad, the saying does go “if you can’t do, you teach”.
Men's Health
Did you know that depression in men is usually undiagnosed contributing to the fact that men are 4 times as likely to commit suicide.
In addition:
- Boys ages 15 to 19 years old were 5 times more likely to commit suicide than girls.
- Males ages 20 to 24 years old, were 7 times more likely to commit suicide than females.
- The suicide rate for persons age 65 and above is 38.4 % for men and 6.0% for women.
Harley-Davidson Motorcycles
I owned a Honda 50 when I was a youngster and always hoped that one day I'd own another motorcycle again. Well...45 years later I'm still dreaming, but at least I can dream. Click on the posting title above and check out some very cool rides.
Henry David Thoreau
Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
The Code Of The West
Prior to the 1934 novel The Code of the West written by the famous western writer, Zen Grey, no "written" code ever actually existed. However, the hardy pioneers who lived in the west were bound by these unwritten rules that centered on hospitality, fair play, loyalty, and respect for the land.
Here is a partial list of some of the guidelines:
- Don't inquire into a person's past. Take the measure of a man for what he is today.
- Defend yourself whenever necessary.
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