This week’s rant is going to be a little bit different. I’m not going to do my usual routine of taking a bucket of acid and throwing it into the subject’s face. Sure, it’s entertaining to watch someone’s visage turn into a puddle of gross, but mindless repetition gets boring and predictable, especially for the guy performing the act. So today I’m going to talk about something I like. Why the sudden change of heart, you ask? Because the few of you who bothered to email me asked me a damn good question and I’ve decided to answer.

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I want you to do something for me. Don’t worry, it won’t require any real physical labor. I want you to go to your basement and turn off all the lights. Then for the next ten hours, walk around while grunting noises and drinking bottles of alcohol. For an added effect, start firing random gun shots or kicking empty cans every ten minutes. Congratulations, you have experienced Condemned 2.

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I’m sure everyone knows about Official Xbox 360 Magazine being the first GTA4 review, but did any of you actually read it?

Seriously, I’m trying to decide what’s worse: Reviewing a game that’s not even done yet, or admitting it in the review itself.  I wonder if Jon Hicks would still give GTA4 the 10/10 sticker if these problems still persist in the final version.

And journalists wonder why print magazines are dying.

Michael Pachter, for those of you who don’t know, is an analyst for Wedbush Morgan securities. He is someone who takes bits of info and predits the outcome. In simpler terms, he’s a glorified guesser. He is much like an overhyped piece of shit game in its marketing campaign that ultimately fails to deliver. He’s made quite a little cozy position “predicting” the videogame industry and they’re many who humor him in his effort to do so. Frankly I would never go after an analyst of this or any type, but Patcher is somewhat of a celebrity at this biz and has dropped the shit out of the ball on his credibility.

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Buy it.

I have a bone to pick today. There is a bone on the ground and I’m going to pick it up. After I take this bone, I’m going to polish it until it glisters ivory white. I might even modify it like add a spike or a chainsaw. Then I will saddle up my armored moose and ride into the sunset, clobbering any dumb fucks along the way with my shiny new bone. And I’ll bring a camera along just so I can YouTube this expedition. Who knows, I might be on the front page.

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I have some good news for Nintendo fanboys readers out there. Just got in contact with one of my inside sources in Nintendo of America and he passed me some juicy information about a major upgrade to all Virtual Console games. According to the anonymous source, Nintendo plans on giving a major graphical facelift to all classical games like Zelda and Sonic the Hedgehog, including some unannounced games. Don’t believe me? I have shots to prove it.

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Anyone who has played strategy titles like Master of Orion or Civilization would probably tell you they have enough depth to deep throat a sperm whale. Because there is so many factors to consider in each move, the idea of transforming these complicated turn-based games into a traditional RTS sounds like a one way trip to investment suicide. For whatever reason, Ironclad decided to overcome this unasked challenge with the release of Sins of a Solar Empire. The result? You’re going to have read because I’m not ruining the suspense on how I feel about the game in the first paragraph unlike every other site.

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You know something is wrong with the industry when co-op becomes a selling point. I have no idea what the hell happened, but I miss the days of old when playing with other people meant your friends and not some dull children on Xbox live with neglecting parents. Army of Two is supposed to be the plug to fill the missing co-op gap in modern games. In some sense, it would be like Contra, only you are shooting off the legs of brown people with American accents instead of evil aliens.

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I love shooting people and scoring points. Maybe it’s because I’m a guy and guys like anything violent with a scorecard, which would explain why God invented Hockey. So when I first heard about The Club, I blew my nuts in excitement. Finally, a game that doesn’t force me to listen to forgettable characters blab about nothing and get straight to shooting people in the face. Nevertheless, there’s already many reviewers that despise the game because it doesn’t have much of a storyline. This doesn’t make any sense to me because these writers are supposed to be game reviewers, not Oprah’s Book Club.

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