Description:
counter.BALANcing*.. i receive today.. new way to feel.. ~ heaveNLy sabriNa ~..
Contents:
counter.BALANcing*
here's the CRAZY:
.living with post trauma stress disOrder
.nightmares EV.ery GODDAMn night
.a compromised immuNe sYstem
.often OVercast skies (in actuality=weather)
.a doG that needs a lot (i LOV'im & it's a lot of woRk)
.setting up life in a new part of the country SOLO
.isOlation
.LEarning* to FEEL what i couldn't 30 years aGO
.extraOdinary financial limitations thus*far
.aLLOWing Losses & Shifts in relationships over the last 2 months
========================================
Here's the COUNTerBALancing!
.VISualisation
.Breathing CONSciously
.Creating ART
.Friends
.eaTing WELL
.counsellors/ouTrEACh workers/VoLUNteers
.my Doggie
.making sure i get a good nite's sleep
.cRYing
.ALLOWing my NATural Angry response
.magazines, books, movies, computer playing, music
.GarDening
And ?
I am left feeling BARE.ly SANE.
I wish.on this Shifting. and SOON.
I weLcome any PRAyers or ShaRed stories.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
i receive today
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I EXPERIENCE BEING PROVIDED FOR
I honestly do!
( image by UK artist:jill smith )
new way to feel
goD OH holy seLf
-deep breath-
i have so much saD & don't know where to pUT it
i hurt
plain
+
true
sometimes i can catch it=witness the feeling
+
follow it on thRu
allOw it to sWim up the CENter & out the tOPs of my trees
wushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...goes the wind
holding my sad
carrying it aWAY
the breeZe can handLe it
can dissapate it
the EaRth knows
how to get rid of it forever
break itt dOWn
to be compOsted + used as nourishment aGain
that's the BEST way
i feeL scooped out afterwards
cLEARed
appreCiative
with no judGement on my sAd*
just a VibrAtion of this particular emotion that WANts to be Let Go oF
it doesn't want to be gripped and caGed & pushed INto Me
it WANts to FLY
..........i can't WAIT till i can allOw EVery feeling OUT like this!
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
~ heaveNLy sabriNa ~
" I am a woman who only wants to weigh 123 pounds
and sometimes thinks that could be the answer
I am a woman who likes her stomach flat and wants to seem like it doesn't matter all that much
I am a woman who wants to make powerful art of this world
I am a woman who can feel so lonely at the most unexpected times
and sometimes I can't ask directly or tell you how upset I really feel
and I hope I'll grow out of it.
I am a woman who sometimes forgets about poetry and reading in the shade."
( top image is of Sabrina Ward Harrison. Not sure if it's a self Portrait. ALL words are from her. From her book: MESSY THRilling LiFE ~ the Art of Figuring Out How to Live. )
>>> sabrina: i hope how i typed this feels honouring of your writing. i tried my best.
reFLECting ~
Hallo
lots goin' ON lately
i'm sharing a mish~MAsh of every.fin here
.just spOke to my *goDDessDAUGHter*. she is going to be 10!! in abt. a month
i first knew her when she was just a BiG head with fuzz.hare on toP. it was really
cooL to talk to heR (across the country). Our converSAtion was a lot more LINear
than it's eVer been. age, i Guess. she now has her own E-mail. she gaVe it to me!!
way too cute. i'm so glad we got to / DO know e.other & have had so many amaZing
adventures toGETher.
.this really struck me > part of a "Body + Soul" article by Cheryl Richardson.
~ Undoing Denial ~
On the morning of the first day, she {a therapist doing group work} would offer the
following greeting: "Welcome. I'm glad you're here. I want to start our work
together by telling you something important. Ready?" With the attendees quietly
aqaiting her message, she'd look directly into their eyes and say, "No one is
coming to save you." Once she delivered this line, she'd remain silent and watch
the reaction. People would look around, smile at each other, or chuckle self-
consciously. Then, as she allowed the silence to grow, the reality of her
statement would sink in, and they'd shift nervously in their seats.
As she explained to me that day over lunch, this discomfort reflected the fact that,
on a deep, often unconscious level, most of us long to be saved.
As I'm prOcessing all this stuff about my dad & who he rEALLy is vs. who i would've
had an easier time w/ him Being.........I look at my own deepdown deSIRE. After all
these years; I still cling to the wish/belief that he WILL resCue me. That he WILL
beCOme the Father I waNt him to Be.
He won't.
I let myself face this staRK fact.
He probably will not. Ever.
He doesn't have the tools. He doesn't have whatever it takes to be PRESent
with me in any consistent way this time 'rouND.
*Deeepest of Breaths*...........................
Hmmmmm. Not EASy to accept. But HeaLthier than clinging to an UNtruth.
This is a BIG part of what i am aiming for! SEEing my Life and SELF with the
Clearest Eyes I possibly CAN.
.aLL of my belongings arrived from back home. 18 rubbermaid boxes! about 5 loads of
laundry were done to UN.moldify any of the bedding / curtains / clothes. i am slowly
RE~diSCOVering a gaZillion treasUres from my past life of two yrs. aGO. Stellar
pieces of clothing. (i have/had such FABulous *taste* !! heehee). Books my gRAMMa
created every time she & i visited. PaRt journal, pART photos/ mailed letters /
kid drAWings. I kINDa knew then that this was a special thing she was dOing. NOW ?
I see what a treasured GIFt this is. Especially as she enters the
closing time in her Life. I have a lot of GOR~juss "knick.knacks" ! Spirit
remindERs = Altar-able stuff. A shITload of Books...........
.i SO reccomend this movie!
top image taken by *me*
HUge reveLAtion
this sunk in on a bODy LeveL today
when i EXpress my emotions
thru My Body (INtuitive Sound + mOVement)
the depRESSion & exHAUSTion leave mE
LiFE FORce!!!! entERs into the New SPaCe*
I have MOre energy & I feel I aM My AUTHentic Self*
........i am aware that this is a deeP un-LEARNing piece for Me
........these growings take tiMe
Whoooooooooooooooooo
(exhaLing my Breath)
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
HaPPy BeLtaine! Happy MAY Day!
[I don't know whether Beltaine & May Day are vaRIATions of the same thing...
Here are some sharings about BOTH.]
Here's a l'il bit about Beltaine:
~The Rites of Spring~
Beltaine was a time of fertility and unbridled merrymaking, when young and old would spend the night making love in the Greenwood. In the morning, they would return to the village bearing huge budding boughs of hawthorn (the may-tree) and other spring flowers with which to bedeck themselves, their families, and their houses. They would process back home, stopping at each house to leave flowers, and enjoy the best of food and drink that the home had to offer. In every village, the maypole—usually a birch or ash pole—was raised, and dancing and feasting began.
........................................
when i was wee
my mah would waKe me upp EarLeeee
(on this day)
and take me to the huGest parK in our city
to watch the Irish 'Morris' dancers
{dressed in White> GREEN ribbons & fLoWers adorNing theM}
*cLACk* their Wooden sticks & do traditionaL MayDaY dances
i vaGueLy remember hot-cross buns
&
the MayPoLe dance
i Loved the mAYpoLe dance.
ev.one Held a tip of a bright ribbon attached to the top of an taLL wooden PoLe
and mOVe in slow Circle~rythym; WeaVing ouR ribbons gentLy OVer + UNder e.other
1/2 of us facing clock~wise, 1/2 of Us facing COUNTer cLocK~wise.
Above is a very preCISe version of how it would lOOk at the end
but NEatness didn't matter
no matter wHAT, no matter how Messy ; the PoLe looked Gorgeous*
..............................................
I have just jOined the *Free Hugs* moooVement ~
Check out the HOMepage.
There's also stuff on YouTube
&
probably groups on Facebook & Myspace.
i LOVe this idea / movement.
{and also think it says a LOT that someone had to RE-introDuce hugs into our ev.day Lives!!#!@@!}
EYE love BE.ing Hugged!
I love Hugging othER People!
+
there are a gaJILLion TYpes of hugs*
~ Earth HUGS (eye used ask friendz to take pix of me laying, belly dOWn on the earth, Loving Her/Him UP!)
~ People + Animal HUGS!
~ People to PEople HUGS! (roMANtic, SISterry, Big ppL. to SmaLL ppL. they AdORE, FAMily....)
~ Animal to Animal HUGS < oNe of my FAVE!! When i watCH this, my heART changes into more Love.
~ Us to ourSELVES HUGS! (mUY imporTANte***)
I'll see you out there, hugging.
......................................................
weLL enough ~
i felt Well enough
to Choose today
to chOOse how i'm gonna Look at things
to chOOse to belieVe in that which I cannot SEe Yet
to chooSe which paRTs of mySeLF i wanted to stAND in
i feLt WeLL enough today
= = = = = = = = = = =
i SECond This!
The Open Letter To Those Without CFS/Fibromyalgia
Having CFS means many things change, and a lot of them are invisible. Unlike AIDS and Cancer, most people do not understand even a little about CFS and its effects, and of those that think they know, many are actually mis-informed. In the spirit of informing those who wish to understand ...
... These are the things that I would like you to understand about me before you judge me...
Please understand that being sick doesn't mean I'm not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day flat on my back in bed and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school and work and my family and friends, and most of the time I'd still like to hear you talk about yours too.
Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I've been sick for years. I can't be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all. I may be tired. I may be in pain. I may be sicker than ever. Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!". I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.
Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't necessarily mean that I can stand up for ten minutes, or an hour. It's quite likely that doing that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you.
Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I'll have trouble getting to the kitchen. Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!". If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally.
Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. CFS may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were stuck in bed for years on end!?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need some fresh air and exercise is not appreciated and not correct - if I could do it, I would.
Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. CFS does not forgive.
Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.
If you want to suggest a cure to me, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even helped, all people with CFS then we'd know about it. This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with CFS, if something worked we would KNOW.
If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, preferably in writing, but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If I haven't had it suggested before, I'll take what you said and discuss it with my doctor. He's open to new suggestions and is a great guy, and he takes what I say seriously.
Please understand that getting better from an illness like this can be very slow. People with CFS have so many systems in their bodies out of equilibrium, and functioning wrongly, that it may take a long time to sort everything out.
I depend on you - people who are not sick - for many things.
But most importantly, I need you to understand me.
~ Ricky Buchanan
http://notdoneliving.net/foothold/openletter/
[please Credit Ricky Buchanan & include this URL if you wish to share this letter with Others. Thanks!]
...............................
Working with My SHAMe
when the BIGGer times come
and
i git overwheLMed
anY anGer i haVe (from HABit)
gets Turned INward
and
Morphs inTO ScreECHing ^CriTIC^ voices
that is what's going on right now
= I am learNing how to aLLow My natuRaL respOnses to things,
REALize I have the RIGht to feeL this way & to ExPREss my resPonses!
This is HUGe for Me.
= I am learNing to stAY with My feeLings, eveN if things areN't *preTTy* & comfortable.
= I am reaLizing that Holding My HEART feels waY Lighter than pUNishing myself.
That PUNishing is a learned~behaviour.
Not my essenCe's trUe attitude toWards Me.
Feelings I have SHame admitting:
* i am scared i will be depressed for my whoLe life
* i am freaked out about the weather in this part of the WORld!!
* i am worried i will never get to the point of SELLing my Art
* i am insecure as HELL that none of ya leave comments
* i am scAREd that i wiLL feel disconnected & aLONe forEver
* i am self~hating
* i am skeered every time i write raw things here. but SOMEthing about Me
WON't let me be FALse
* i wanna screaMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. i am scaRed people might hate me if i dO
the end.
Hangin' Out with *THE MAN*
ToDay i hung out with PATriarchy
all
day
long
I am pOOPed!
It is NOT a heaLthy Energy for Me to bE around!
Our houses (i live in a cluster of houseS) were getting sprayed for Ants today
so that meant we had to be OUt of theRe for 6 hours.
the Wife of the Landlord offered to driVe Sourcie & I to a local beach
droP off some papers with me
+ basically keep busy for the six hours with HER & her son
(a really Kind offer)
I had a hard time being around her
(in smaller dOSes, with Healthy boundaries + disTance; i can Dig Her)
It was painful to see how she deaLt with her Son (he's 4)
I felt a little sick hearing about how she & her husband treat e.other
I was uNcomfortable in the presence of her personality
: y'know when ppl. cover up fears by pretending they know ev.thing ?
&
like to share a LOt with YOU, but aren't necessarily ABle to LISten ?
sheeeeeesh!
the Beach part was LOVE.ly*
i soAR in seeing my Baby speeding aLong the Sand with his peers
GRiN on his face
EYes *wiLD* in their FrEEdom =
it makes me happy
I feeL like a gOOD muM
i turn intO a Kid @ the beach++
finding the softest stOnes, ones that say they don't mind coming with Me
to be used in ART prOjects.....
imAgining the exQUIsite mirrOrs framed in driFT.wood I could create*
Just; DOddling...........
BE=ing
which is such a Treat for Me
& her ENergy CLanGed uP against Mine enough that it reeeely wasn't that fun
as Fun & Free as it COULDa beeeeee
(beLIEVE me, I know we aLL have rEAzons for Acting the way we dO. it doesn't mean i hafta LIKe + hang out with everyONE though!)
I've shared moRe than I feel comfy w/ her knowing
She's shared more that EYE feel comfy HEARing
the DIStanced reaLationship works better for Us!
ANYhoo~
Source and I are hooome
both deLIRiously drOOPy,
dinner on the stOve & IN the Oven
me drinKing my WitcHy tea that HEALs
breath.ing Deep
saYing Grounding prAYers*
surrOUNding our House in protECtive enerGy
me in my cuddliest, bumBly looong wrapARound sweetSweater*
the ONly actions I plan on tonite are:
keeping my eYes oPen for a movie
and
chewing my dinner
kinda LITerally.
-------------------------------------------
aLways Tell.
there is a PLAce inside
where i am stiLL way.tinG for my Dad to come hoMe
i want them to work it out
whatEVer it taKes
I am worth it!
there's a pLace inside me
that knOWs they did the best they knew HOw to
given what THEy greW up with
there's a part of Me that stiLL has a LOT to say
is JUSt learning to TRUly release my Anger
JUSt traveLLing back to my earliest daYs
&
feeling the very core of what i WASn't allowed to then
there is a paRt of me that wishes i had taken the Courtney Love route*
i Mean; i am staNDing Here WASted after Juicing-YoGAh~ing-Screaming it OUT
VisuaLizing-faCing my demonyDRAGons-writing it Loose-TearsTeaRStears
and
i
feel
pretty
fucked
down
like i am on drugs = discoNNected from My body/self, daRK.PrinCessy, hoWLingHOLE
SO ?
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
TRyyyyyyyyyyyyy ?
Hey SISterrs: Pssst!
I have a message for you!
When you with hold YOUR truth,
it perpetuates a HARmful Myth* (sharp cutting)
that NO one [not even YOu, babe] can Live Up to
so, inFACt, it endanGers You as well!
to the Sisterrs that are already bare.ing
the
dark + dirrty
the
REAl ruff rags
the
tarnished true, DARing Truths ?
THANk You^^^^
[this is too URGent of an issue. we have no time to waste.
let's get ON this!!]
.....................
+ i am stRt.in' to feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeYulllllllllllllll trueBEAUty IN mE~ness
+ my inSTINK.t was rite ON about this Man (who carries sO many Gifts)
the one i am having to breethe thRU the umbilical-chord sePARation PROcess
Yes. it stinGs*. he is ALso NOT the One to Stand besiDe Me.
THank you, Darling: for All the Growth~Prezzies you offer Me. the outSTANDing
CommUNIcating. the Support. the ConSIStency of Your presence. the ALL of it.
+ rite now i am facing a bugg. LOTs of GinGer *tea, rest, fresh Wind & bad Films
+ catch me ? i am close to the bottom of the Grande Canyon UN.necessary~ness
of this (does anyone get it when i say this ?) "chronic" illness. 15 years!
+ i pee my pants when someone *buRPs* and aNOTHer person says: "Oh! Bless You!"
+ thanks so much for all the wonderful Steps FORward, girl.GoDD
i feel kind of liKe this today*
...........................
The SeCret SaCred
the sacred doesn't have to be SECret anymore
it can be out in the OPen now
bare saCrED is one of the most beyou.tea.ful things to me
it reMinds me:
We
are
all
the
same*
------------------------------
WHo i AM
facing a long~term illness does something Tricky to you
it makes you believe that the illness is Who you ARE
that your other personality is gone foreVer
i am writing this post
to reMind mySELF
of whO i really Am
when the illness is Lifted
~i am a woman who melts with babies
~i like a lot of contact (touch & voice) w/ my special people
~i scream in exCITement
~i can feel what animals are feeling + sometimes hear them talk to me
~i have a LOT of things that make me feeL like *GoD* is IN me. loTs of Passions
~i am a PERson who communicAtes + shows her FeeLings. i CANnot hold back.
('cept for the deepDOWN stuff i am just allOWing myself to truly experienCe)
~i have a LOT of crushes on anyone who Vibrates w/ LIFe/their authentic energY & isn't scared of Being that
~i have had a ROCKy relationship w/ my Mum AND my Dad for mOSt of my living. i also have had a deeP & RichLy LOVing relationship w/ each of THem
~i don't do it as often as i'd LIKe - but; i LOVE the feeling of emPOWerment i get in my Body when i use it for sports or buiLding things or Living in the wooDs (camping)
~i have thought there was something VERy bAD & Wrong with Me for all of my Living. unconsciously at the beginning & theN consciously & NOW: I am digging around & UN.learning this shit
~i NATurally (to express the inTENSity of things) Swear. a lot!
~i inherited BOth my parents traGically Low Self LOVe levels. i have had to wORk daMN hard to buiLd other places to STANd inside myself
~i never knew i would see so many people around me Die / get triggered by WHO i am & spLIT / not be as authentic as i naturally am
~i LOVE sleep.over PaRties & most kinds of FUN!!
~i like it when my bed feels like the saFest, coZiest NESt*
~i am a biG-Time HollywooD aDDict. and have met so many more ppl. from there than i EVer could have Guessed!
there are SOMe.
thanks for coming with me on the remEMering Trip.
-----------------------------------------------------
sticKing to My Truth
why does living my truest seLf
feel anything OTHer than gLORious ?
there are tears
hurting other people (not intentionally)
and then there is the feeLing
of OPen AlligNment
gOD thru Me
it is worth that
beyond that GOd exQuisiteness?
i just let my feelings fLOw
such courAGE
all of iT.
---------------------------
out of the CocOOn
a couPLe weeks agO
i found a paper butterfly on the flooR of the maLL
a few days agO
i saw a butterFLY on paper that was dirTy by the curb
i keeP seeing them around
i know i am bEing tOLD something
.................................
jonny Lang
today ?
it's not so much about WORDs
just this KiKKin' song.
he put out the album this song is on, Lie to Me, when he was 15 yrs. old.
holy freaKity-FREAK, people.
GENius*
..........................
i fORget*
that i used to sleep SOUndly, without nightmares
that i used to got to sleeP~overs
that my mum used to massage my head when i had a HeADache
that i alWays had someone to bE with on HOLidays
what it Feeyulls lyke to be sPOILed!
when i had moRe sOFt places to faLL doWn and RESt in*
that other people used to prepare dinner for Me, foodSHop for me etc...
that my brOther & his Peers used to look UP to me
that i didn't Used to feel suiCidal this OFten (understaNdabLe, but AWful)
that i used to go on Paid for VacAtions
that coZee commUnity Used to jUST be a *GiVen*
that i used to Feel somewhat aLIVE
_________________________________________________________
i Like
+ my new TurQuoise hUGe, CHUNka~chunKA penDANT neck~Lace
+ that i HAVE a dog~soul Brother who eats most of the Cashew butter when I'm out!
+ that many, many ppl. LOOOve meee
+ that MY h.ART MELts! over too many to name on this planet
+ that i HAVE a cd player to blaSt Van Morrison, Lila Downs, Pink from
+ that there are a MILLion wAYs in which my body knows HOW to express it's Creativity
+ that I am re.SOUrce.fuL
+ that I can SEE MySelf in Health, mORe and MOre this last MONth*
+ that the more time I spend connecting with My Center; the Stronger/more Relaxed I feel
+ that I have the $$$ for deeveedee rentals, beefbones for my dog~ullah, aLmond MILk, POMegranate juice & little, inVALuable gifties from Myself rite now!
+ that I have space to plANt bulbs & watch them GROW
+ that I have a digiTAL camera to play & share My VIEw of the World with
+ that I am gOing to meet New deep connections of People who will HOld stRONg places in my heart (out here in this new 'scaPe)
{necklace from josephinejewelry}
dead Alive
there is a death
that is not Living
many people cannot walk the long, strong, wHOLe Path
WITH Me
i just learnt that one of the few Women who I feel 99% SeeN by
can no longer offer her suPPort
hardly ANYone seems to be abLe to TaKe IN how serious my situation is
what exACTly does life want from me ?
cuz i've given iT even MORe than i even HAVe
&
My DOOr is still getting knOCKed dOWN so cRAzy-fiERCely.......
I am chanTing MIRaCLes
I am learNing NEw ways to look at 'all this'
I am making SURe I VALue all the incredible GIFts i DO have
I am re-WRITing my *stories* / Wiping of My *Lenses* that I see life thru
I am letting GO / setting Down / taking leSS Seriously
I am writing my wishes & plaCing them in my boX where things COMe TROO
I am
I am
I am
I am perSerVERing
I am a believer (the dichotomy = even after all that's come)
I am currently
DeaDalive
and I am sCAREd out of my Own Life.
[pic by steph_182_photo]
worD.less StORy ~
.......................................................
wild child
sOme days it's a matter of
deCIDing
to be oKAy.
oTHer days,
you can climB mt. EVerest + baCk
(in terms of efforT)
&
there's not one INch of okaY~ness in siGht.
~ ~ ~ ~
i made Source his VERy own Cd = ALL enya.
(he said he really liked her)
this post's title comes from this song.
TRUesttruTh
this image is how i feel
that the wiLDness of Life is just out of My Reach
that a feNce is blocKing me from ACCessing Growth/Green/Alive
the TRUe LIving i have been dYing for
i know that i am suppressing shit that has been too scARy to faCe
my whole iMMUNe system is exHAUSted with the EFFort this takes
i am Left feeling suPREMely *SICk*
i am DOing the work to UN.cover the terrifYing UNderlying feelings
to recOGnize them
to FEEl them
to allOw them to MOve thru me
to be RId of them
(once i even acknOWledge their existence; they usually shiFt & wanna move Out)
i am doing this woRk
i am reading
about others who have walked a very SiMilar path
i am de-tOXing my ORgans every day!
i am be.GINNing to drAW again !
sketchbook, acrylic paints, ink pens
i am gaRDening****
LOVE it
i am TRYing to do the daily LIFeliving pieces one. day. at. a. time
deep Breathing / keeping PersPECtive / committing to FUN everyDAY!
and Yet ?
i can feel almost fully drOWned.
=I don't agree with a Society that has endless funding for WaRs & DruGs
+
only supplies those who don't fit into a VERy small boX
(idea of "normaL")
ON-ly enough to STAY PoOr!!!
=I don't waNto partake in a wORld that CAN give Us way more than we can take
while it floods Us with RIghtWing New Age BULLshit which FAILs to ackNOWledge this & is amPLe with it's uncomPASSIONate, arrOggant, abUsive, unINVITEd "advice"
=I don't believe in a Life where I do EVERYthing ANYone would suggeSt for 16 years (in order to HEAL my Bodee/SouL) & becos of things which are outSIDE of My ConTROl; i am stiLL struggling SO harshly that i often feeel like life (this way!) ain't worth LIVing
there is nOTHing
other than HAVing alllll my Base needs in My Life right noW
(seCURe Housing, bills paid EASily, HeaLth, fooD & suPPLements bought EASily)
that will feeL reasonaBLe to ME
beYOND those ?
My dreAM,
is to have the OPtion of respite / vacations
is to live in a home i'm not paying rent for
is to get OFF these damn medications (or lower the dosage prfOUNdly)
is to groW a lot of my own food
is to see enough SUN to feel sane & beaming
is to feel proud of what sports my body can play/ the POWer in My boDee
is to make, share & seLL my Art
is to feel safe in Myself/the world
is to BE. IN. Joy much more often.
Will You HOLD this Vision wiTH me ?
~thanks~
Every wish in my Vision IS *in* My Life Right Now.
>some visuaLs so we can Hold the saMe *VISION*
EcstAtic JOy & CelebRAtion daiLy!
by kari00pix
My ARt stUDio ~ a version of it!
by marieavondale
..........i will continue to add pix that represent my VISIONed Life.
{top image by LILbear143 }
where iT matteRs
I feel BeaU.tiful IN~side.
^of course i Do. i'm getting settled in my new home / money's getting settled etc... these BAse needs met are all it takes.
[image from pearlypearl_2006]
no faking
you said that is what this is all abouT
No censoring
yiKes!
: my BeSt & mye mOSt feaRed
aLL at ONce*
..............................
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