Description:
empty.. sick.. hello..... sexless pig..
Contents:
empty
i feel so empty... i feel that I can identify with 'dexter' (police serial killer form tv drama). i feel sometimes i nothing to live for nothing to make me feel alive... i feel all alone, disowned by family and disowned by the world! i'm too honest i can't act anymore, i can't do... i want a different life but i don't know how to get it!
sick
i'm sick of uni...its does my fucking heading... i can't be arsed with this essay with behavioural psychology. its boring!!!! im so stressed cos i haven't even started my dissertation yet. im fuck i can't sleep, i'm just worrying and worrying. i know if i just get this essay done very soon i can stop worrying. i know i can do it but i can't be arsed...i gotta pull myself together!
boyfriend keeps threatening me to dump me. i wish he had to guts... so i won't look bad. i feel he's a burden... not the stressor of my life but an added stresssor. i know that i could of finished this essya long ago but its fucking boring... don't think i'm gonna get a good mark either....i just hopefull get a 2:1. i need a two one! theres no point of uni without a 2:1!
hello...
hello world... i'm back. a few things has happened... i went scotland and had a little scottish adventure. now i'm in london with a friend this weekend.
i just had an idea that i want to become a writer... but i dn't have the time or the energy and the beleif.... still don't why i'm still wi my boyfriend... probably just like the company and to deviate from all the 'boy' drama. He get on my fuckin nerves... i always have to tip toe can't say this or that... he's getting a bit too fucking comfortable. from now he needs to be put in his place. for the first time i saw him being manipulative and mallicious! CUNT! gota start do things myself. Really can't be arsed to have sex with him...it's like a chore.
i need to start eating healthy i've ben eating a lot of shit lately. i need to start stop spending so much money, since i no longer have a job.
I really can't be bothered to talk to my mum. she is so a fucking bitch- moan moan moan- fuck off. let me be! can't be bothered with the added stress. I just feel like right now...fuck the world. i just gota make me happy.
i realisd one thing what makes me happy is traveling... i've got to do more. for now its the only thing that makes it worth living. for that i need money... need to have my own buisness and learn to invest in shares...or a book published... gota start getting some ideas soon
sexless pig
sometimes i feel very sexual... and i feel like whats the point. I don't come and I don't enjoy it half as much as my boyfriend does. is there anything worth living for? does sex make you happy? is it one of life's joys? I feel like a sexless pig. I wish sometimes I can get swept off my feet and have a good fuck, a fuck i can really appreicate. a fuck to remember. its not my boyfirend fault its me... there's something wrong with me! i know it is. i fear that i will never had a good sex life.
is anybody there?
hello world...where art thou world? i know that people read my blog but i would like people leave comments... i need some closure i need to know if people feel me...
hope to hear from the world soon
xxx
session 1 2008
i am a disturbed emotional and depressed person... i think the last counselling session was successful. i felt content... i have the desire to sort myself out.. if felt one step closer to what i want...a better life and not to be depressive
free speech
i wanna share my world with others but I don't think its working... i want to interact with the web world i want some conformation.... i need some answers... is anybody out there?... can anybody feel my depression and my pain?
I need to be more confodent with myself don't want people to hold me down... i know I am a strong person, I just need to grow
I just can't wait for this report to be handed in so i can breathe... i need some clothes, i need some going out tops...i need to look nice from time to time
happiness
is anyone suppose to be happy... i have just had a frightening thought that i may not be happy... in fact ever be happy...also i don't belive that no one can be happy...everyone just faking it...everyone must be fucked up as i am...they must be!!!
i have no faith in love.... don't think love will make me... i have a boyfriend who cares for me and I don't see the point... i don't think we should be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore but I wanna remain very close friends but it won't happen i dunno why i crossed the line in the first place...maybe that i should of drift occasionaly on the line....crossing the line sucks 'cos you can cross back over it without any consequences
no passion, no drive, no desire, no anything in this realtionship
i realised that am fucked up in a relationship and fucked up when am not in one.... i maybe should stay on the ride for a while...keep some stability in my life....2 heads are better than one
life and stuff
I feel stressed...got another piece of uni work to do.... i'm just thinking try get all the reading done this week thats the main thing.... but there's so much of it and friend is coming down this weekend so my weekend is kinda screwed ...meaning no cousrework is getting down...shit...need to be more self -disciplined I can work harder buy sometimes i can't be arsed.
I feel that I can be so much more but... I don't know how to or i'm afriad that i'm never gonna be good enough... i'm never gonna be acheive what I want to acheive...
friends?
i'm just qusetioning myself thinking do i really need friends? I remeber having friends made you happier- but all them let you down and hurt you in some way even though you never hurt them. always being the good friend and there's no one there for you. i realised my boyfriend has becomed a freind... a distance friend...no romance...no love...become just a friend.... I am afraid of him and me not being toghter...i feel sometimes that he's all I got. I know that this relationship won't last for long....because we move separate ways after uni. its a shame. He has given me a few of the best days of my life.
It wouldn't suprise me if he finds someone else.....
the relationship is boring and dull. I know its not his fault...we both got a lot of work to do.
maybe its not meant to be
when will i know my destiny?
expression
better
i just want express that i am a bit happier that i nearly finished my essay... i had the strong will to do it. just needs a little tidy and make a few references then that is it.
heartache
i feel so much pain.... my heart aches....so much. i feel so low. i have endured so much pain the past. i don't know how to overcome it. i need to survive.
lets be positive and look at the good things in my life
im not starving, not on the street
im healthy
i am university (or conditioning place for the labour market in this lab rat society)
my penwomanship is improving
got my whole life ahead of me
i can make something of myself
i need to acquire some life stratergies to cope and overcome my sadness
new year
new year, new year, new year!
what did I do? i was watching jools holland and trying to bring myself to do that fucking essay. i just wanna do that fucking essay. i will be so releived when its finished. then i've got a 3000 word report. and i haven't even done my dissertation. my stomach churns and tingles..... i don't think its a good thing.....its fucking stress!
I'm procrasting just can't be arsed. but i gota be self discplined and finish my essay. gota fininsh the fucker.
i don't why I feel this but i feel that i'm destined for better things..... i feel that i am destined for greatness.... i just wanna it hurry up
the one thing i hat when i see people my age accomplish so much before me. i don't like it. i don't wanna them not have success but i feel that i should be on thier level- does this make me a hater?
i just want so much more from life..... 2008 is all about developing and making important decisions...........
we'll see how things turn out
fucked up
i can't beleive of so much anger i suppressed through the years.
i can't go back to my mum's for the summer it will kill me inside. it will kill my soul. I gota find a way out. I gota figure out a way not to stay over my mums. if there is a will. there is way. i just need money. I've gota save. i have been a bit careless with money. I not spending much anymore. i the clothes i need for now is 2 jeans. I'll get if from primark.
new years resoultions or doctrines of what i must follow to be stronger.
- SELF-DISCIPLINE!!!!!
- be positive!
- SMILE more!- don't let people know what you really thinking
- don't let people know what your thinking, keep your deep thoughts, worries and anxieties to yourself- use the blog!
- go to the gym once a week
- try not think about my looks/appearance
- develop my self confidence- gain high self esteem- don't let anyone know your weaknesses
- meet more people- have more friends around me
- stop overthinking and do it- carry out my ideas of being a creative writer.
- have a better undertsanding of the language of spanish
- travel to edinburgh, belfast, dublin and cardiff
- read more- for pleasure
- get on with my work, just do it
- don't doubt myself
- do more things for myself- got to be more independent- learn to cook and do my hair (plait)
- be more involved in drama
- go to the library everyday! minimum of 2 hours a day
- don't spend too much money- save!!!!!
one more think do not spend the whole summer at my mums house!!!!!!
lonely
I feel so lonely....I really feel so lonely....gota keep thoughts to myself. he doesn't understand me. I feel that the passion and love has gone. Why am I in this position? Why is he here. What am I looking for. I thought relationships are supposed to be exciting and progress. This one just seems stale and not going nowhere. Am I with him because I am afriad of being on my own? Am I with with because I can't be with anyone decent in the world and he's the best there is?
I can't express how lonely I am with words I am. Gota make some rules, I gota survive in this lonely world. It's just me myself and I. I feel that I am just drifting into misery and more misery. I sometimes don't see the point in life.
Sometimes I feel that if I look good on the outside. I will feel better inside. I feel that I can never look good on the outside. I have to start within. My face and hair is fucked and I can't do nothing about it....it's shit i know. Life is shit. I just have to make the best of it.
I feel that I'm not going nowhere. I feel that I'm trapped. I feel that I am a lab rat. I just gonna breed and die.
I have so much ideas and thoughts in my head. I just don't know what to do with them. I feel sometimes I am going to explode. I feel that I am going to let myself crazy and get sick.
why is my family so shit. my mum gets to me allthe fucking time she is a messed up bitch. i fucking hate her. so just moans and moans. shes always angry at me its like I can never plaese her. no matter what I do its not good enough. I have a mind of my own and she hates it. she like controlling people. she can not control me anymore!!!!! I don't think I love her, but I respect her because she has done a lot for me and my brother (single parent). but she has made me deteste her. her constant moaning, stupid educated comments, being predjudice and racist and fucking hitting all the time. i hate her for hitting me. i hated my teenage years. just full of pain and sorrow.
gota be independent. gota be self-efficeint. can't trust no-one.
for most people family is importnat. in my case its not. it just holds me back. i've been on my own since birth.
blogs
I have no idea or direction this blog is suppose to go. smetimes I question for me to have one. Should I share to the world my thoughts and my life. is many millions doing the same and people won't ahve a chance to look at other blogs. I would like to know who invented blogs. Are blog just online diaries? why should people get paid to write blogs? what is the true essensce of a blog. is just a place to tell stories and feel better about yourself when you get a gizzilion hits and feel good that peopel are reading. Is this blog a quset for to search for my destiny and to explore myself deeply. Is this a good thing?
worthless
I feel very de-motivated to anything..... I have a goal today I need to strat my essay.... and I can't physically do it. I know it's not life or death but it is very importnat. I need to write 1000 words. It's getting me frustrated. I need to do it....but I'm not just concentrating. I think I just need to wrtie a few paragraphs. What is stopping me? I wanna know....maybe that I need to stop procrastinating....be honest I wanna do loads of things apart from doing this essay. Maybe I feel that I can't get a good grade.....maybe I feel putting so much effort I will be let down in the end.... I reallly don't know but I know I have to do it or I will be in deep shit..... I got fill out a job application as well.....so much to do before xmas and before I go home and so little time.
I think maybe its a self confidence thing.... I need to have self confidence.... I need to feel good about myself....I just don't know how to
actress
I write this before I go to sleep. I feel to survive in the world I have to act. Now I have to hide all the pain and the sorrow I feel in my heart. I feel that i cannot be open with my boyfriend. I feel if I tell him my feelings he will think that am too emotional and emotionally unstable. My heart aches for someone who I care about which I cannot have a connection with. Now If ind out that we are different....very different , not the same that we were earlier in the relationship. My heart just keeps on aching...I feel betrayed and decieved ....not by him by me with my poor sense of judgement about poeple. It's pretty shit. If it was good, or ok. I would of made so many erorrs and wouldn't be writing this. I don't know how stop my aching heart.
lost
I feel lost....I feel so alone in this fucking world its unbelievable. I feel that every part of my life has turn to shit. I even see it in the mirror. I see my face covered with spots and acne marks. Acne marks and scaring which will take years for it go away. I am a young woman- 20 years old...this is my prime, my beauty prime.... and its fucking ugly as hell. I don't see any beauty on my face or my body which I could be proud of. In this world you know that image is everything and quite frankly my image is nothing. I just wish that I could wake up as someone else...some one more beautiful and prettier than me. Also, to have strengths that people will love and admire. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I feel that I can't complete my goals. I wanna be a well-known actress, playwright,novelist and creative writer. I wanna let the world know what is really going on and let the open their fucking lazy eyes. People see things but won't acknowledge things. They will watch shit happening around and the 'systems' of the world and still do not do nothing about it. I can't believe people will let themselves be oppressed. you see the capitalist system getting stronger and stronger and people being discriminated againist, countless of people dying for nothing. But wait more things really important like Paris Hilton or Kerry Kantona taking crack. Do we fool ourselves that nothing is going on because the world is so shit. If things are too shit and traumatic do people be absorbed by mindless things and get distracted.
I feel lost primarily because I feel no one understands me. I talk about things .....people act like that I am crazy ...... I am not inciting any hatred or saying anything outlandish.....just things about human rights, racism and gender issues. I feel in this society that you can't be passionate about anything unless its for business (making money).
I feel you have to 'act' a lot in this society. Put a brave face on. Act like your neutral. act like nothing is bothering you, act like your happy. If you do all of these, then you will be fine. People will not look down on you and think that you are 'loopy' or 'fuck up' as my boyfriend would say. Feeling down once in a while is 'something wrong with you', talking about your feelings is fucking something wrong with you. Wanna do go for the oppressed people in society is really something wrong!
I feel that you have act and fit in labels to be accepted and liked. I really don't on purpose and try not to fit in the labels. but naturally I do not fit most of them and my fellow young women of society think I'm wired cos I don't wanna 'get off' of shag anyone who has a pulse, cos I don't wanna bitch or slag fellow friend, don't give a shit if a girl is shoes does not match her dress and cos I don't wanna get drunk and look like a pissed up idiot with blood everywhere. with most of my fellow women around my age they don't wanna talk or any interested in anything meaningful apart from getting pissed and what new at Top shop. Oh yes I forgot Kate fucking skinny bitch Moss. Do you really think that she ever give a shit about you? No. you never take drugs but you wanna help endorse a crack addict who sees no shame of taking drugs.
I feel that there no one like me... in the world to talk to. I know its sad. I feel so shit, so lifeless and pathetic.
orgasms
I would like to where are the women who do not have an orgasm or every had one. we watch sex and the city and in 20 seconds one of the characters have a mind blowing orgasm. I would like to know the feeling. I am not saying that I do not enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I would like to know how to have an orgasm. He tries to give me one. We have endless foreplay and sex. I like it a lot and I don't think its his fault.......with my previous sexual partner I didn't have any orgasms either. it's a bit shit really. I personally believe all this orgasm malarkey is a myth. I want my fucking orgasm!
Or maybe its me... is it my fault and my body is malfunctioning? I dunno. Why is sex is so Taboo in the country even when you go to a nurse which deals with contraceptive issues and sex its so hard to talk to and sometimes get embarrassed. I wonder if there is any sex therapists on the NHS.
Is is essential for a healthy relationship to have an orgasm. I dunno. society prizes itself that you have to multiple orgasms. Lucky bitches if they do get multiple orgasms! I would like to get even one. i know in my relationship with my boyfriend its not a big things,however I know it infringes on hid masculinity. Its like his honour into manhood. i have a sneaky suspicion that a women do not have orgasms and lie/fake. Some don't know what one is. Another thought in movies and TV when people sex the man and woman seem o always cum/orgasm at the same time. are me and my boyfriend are supposed to have synchronising orgasms?
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