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No fear
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.”
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes’ silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger?”
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Portrait
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.
She told the artist, “Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant.”
“But ma’am, you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” said Mrs. Johnson. “My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I’m sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”
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Ten Dollars Is Ten Dollars
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
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The Preacher’s Horse Racing exploits
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.
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Height of Suspicion
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”
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Little Johnny’s wife
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”
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Logic about condom packs
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are.
The dad replies, “Well son, those are condoms and they’re for protection when you’re having sex.”
The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it.
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, “Why six?”
The dad replies, “Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.”
The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.
The dad replies, “Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March….”
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Going To A Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. “What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” The cop asked.
“My wife.” said the man.
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The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed… driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Give me a break! You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
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Watermelons
A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
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Brain transplant
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure.”
“We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used!”
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Golden Wedding Anniversary celebration
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”
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The Boy, the Policeman and a Squirrel
A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.
“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature i shall personally do to you”
“In that case,” said the boy, “I’ll kiss it’s butt and let it go”
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What’s the hurry?
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
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MasterCard Moments 5
Front Row seats to Flyers Game: $145.00
Replica Hockey Jersey: $225.00
Beers and Hot Dog: $22.00
Picture of you and your friend acting like a couple of FAGS in Sports Illustrated: PRICELESS
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