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Latest Xanga weblog from hilarious_jack
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The Condom Emergency
President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"
"Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Clinton.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Yeltsin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Yeltsin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and
called the President of Trojan. "I need a favor, you've got to make
1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."
Funny Break-Up Excuses
From Potflix: What
is your best excuse for breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Below are the TOP 10 Break-Up Lines: (These are very lame excuses!  )
10 I discovered I have a mild form of
epilepsy and you bring on attacks because you make me too excited to be around
you.
9 I have a pet dog, he kisses
like you, his breath is like yours, he pants like you. I love him dearly
but I wouldn't want to marry him. Lets part before this goes any farther.
8 We just grew apart I don't
need you anymore.
7 You mean more to me than life
itself -- but I'm suicidal.
6 I want someone who can buy
me a new car...Can you buy me a new car???
5 I'm sorry, but there just
isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.
4 You're too young for me. I
mean, too old. But we're the same age. Well, that doesn't work for me,
either.
3 My dog is having puppies and
I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.
2 This just isn't for me.
Nothing personal. I want to be able to tell people I'm single.
1 You talked about the future,
and that freaked me out. It makes me sick to think about it.
What Kids Say about Kissing
-
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down,
and they don't get up for at least an hour." -- Wendy, age 8
-
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos
of the wedding." -- Jim, age 10
-
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody
sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome
boy, but just for a few hours." -- Kally, age 9
-
"You learn [how to kiss] right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." -- Doug, age 7
-
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you
have to ask permission." -- Roger, age 6
-
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's
why I stopped doing it." -- Tammy, age 10
-
"I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over,
and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even
stoves in their houses." -- Gina, age 8
-
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that." -- Curt, age 7
-
"The rules goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her
and have kids with her. It's the right thing to do." -- Howard, age 8
-
(on seeing a couple kissing) "He is trying to steal her chewing
gum!" -- Boy, age 6
Hey you, whatcha looking at?
Looks like Scarlett Johansson's producer got a good view of her cleavage...
Are you into DARES?
Some list of funny dares from Potflix.com:
You think you can take them all? Try it out!
- Go up to a random person in the school
and pat them on the shoulder. Then say "Oops, I think I got the wrong
person." And walk away. Act SURPRISED.
- You and a buddy or a group of friends get into a fist fight in a public place. Don't stop fighting unless
someone stops you or someone says that thay are calling the cops.
- Enter a public restroom of the
opposite sex (enter male if your a female & vice versa). Fix
yourself up even if there are people there!
- Do a funny impersonation of your favorite celebrity.
Signup here. They are giving away prizes if you can submit videos performing the dare!!
Knowing your blind date beforehand
Most bachelors have been victims of a blind date...
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting
bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you."
However, from the usual descriptions given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like.
To know what your blind date looks like beforehand, here are a few truths you need to remember:
What they say: Dandy little house keeper
What they really mean: She has been married three times and kept all the houses
What they say: Knows how to handle money
What they really mean: She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours
What they say: Strong family ties
What they really mean: She's a Mafia Princess
What they say: Loves children
What they really mean: She's pregnant and needs a husband
What they say: Great sense of humor
What they really mean: She's fat and will laugh at anything you say
What they say: The outdoor type
What they really mean: She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
What they say: Ready to settle down
What they really mean: She's 35, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
What they say: Likes to have a good time
What they really mean: She gets drunk a lot
What they say: Lots of fun at parties
What they really mean: Often makes an fool of herself
What they say: Mature woman
What they really mean: She's at least 30, but looks at least 45
What they say: Has the appearance of a young school girl
What they really mean: She's at least 33, but dresses like a teenager
What they say: Casual
What they mean: She dresses like a slob
What they say: Decorated her own place
What they really mean: Her apartment resembles a pig sty
What they say: Great dancer
What they really mean: She'll wear the soles right off your shoes
What they say: Not overly emotional
What they really mean: She only cries 27 times a day
What they say: Doesn't chase men
What they really mean: She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
What they say: Understands men
What they really mean: She's been married and divorced 4 times
What they say: Good sport
What they really mean: She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
What they say: Looks and dresses like a model
What they really mean: She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
What they say: Been in show business
What they really mean: She's a former porn movie star
What they say: Traveled a lot
What they really mean: She's searched high and low for a husband
What they say: Knows a lot of interesting people
What they really mean: None of whom would marry her
What they say: Wonderful disposition
What they really mean: She's ugly
What they say: Fine character
What they really mean: She's ugly
What they say: Spotless reputation
What they really mean: She's ugly
What they say: Wonderful personality
What they really mean: She's ugly/fat
Peace out to all women! 
Now Showing!
Choose your pick! Which movie will you watch?
 
President Evil: Iraqalypse THE GoRINCH
 
101 Lies and Exaggerations Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
 
Chicken Run 2 The Sixth Sense
100 Reasons why it's Great to be a Guy!!
The texts in bold are my favorites. :) Texts in italic red are my side comments.Enjoy!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female. - Yeah!!
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone
crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go. - All I need are cigarettes and keys and I'm done!
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.- Why do women need to go to bathrooms in groups?!?
19. Your last name stays put. - Yeah, cool!
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly
hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. - Love it!
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he/she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.- Haha! Funny!
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.- Yeah, and no "I'm sure you will find somebody!" How pathetic!
38. You can write your name in the snow. - Women can never do this!
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. - We listen but that's it! Hahaha!
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. - I bet women do this, too... 
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. - Who needs a gazillion pairs?!? 
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "he must be mad at me."
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave
you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.- Yeah!! Unlike women...Geez, they're so unpredictable!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.- We don't even know what "skeevy" means.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay. 
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in15
tries, at least in theory. - Wow! Sooo cool!!
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends
"you've changed". - Haha! Very true!
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life
long buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. - Women may have to keep it for "sentimental reasons"
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. - Thank God!
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Zzzzz in the Office
Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office: (pick your favorite!)
"It's okay...I'm still billing the client."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter-not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan which I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke ... "
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"I was cross-training for telecommuting."
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up contact lense without hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun, so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
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