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trance missions - LiveJournal.com
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11 years
today is anacam's 11th ana-versary
http://www.anacam.com
unlike most cams, this one goes to 11 :)
i am trying to find the time to write about it!
crazy times!
interview
http://worshiptheglitch.com/2008/06/jd-casten-discusses-ana-voog-dreaming.html
an interview with j.d. casten who put together the book about my art (http://www.voogbooks.com/).
it's interesting for me to see my friend talk about his views on the whole project :)
i've been so busy with lili, the upcoming wedding, and now the new pregnancy that i can barely take it all in...
but for those of you interested in this limited edition book about me, i suggest you read this interview for a more in depth view on it!
and j.d. is a fascinating person in his own right. i think someone should make a book about HIM! :)
dreaming on stage
http://www.voogbooks.com/
a book about me and my art that my friend, j.d. casten, put together!
go look!
2007, a year in mini photos
it was the best year of my life :)
cookbooks
i'm not a person to ever follow a recipe...but i want to learn new things.
so...i'd like to learn some things by reading some cookbooks and see how other people cook.
so tell me your favourite cookbooks of all time.
i'm especially looking for morroccan, greek, and french
also jewish and scandanavian.
but i'm really interested in just about everything.
so hit me with your best cookbooks so i can go check them out :)
p.s. i like cookbooks where you make EVERYTHING from scratch and where real ingredients are used not things like margarine or boullion cubes, etc.
i'm not interested in adding a can of this and that together and then voila. i'm not afraid of things that are labour intensive.
for the first time in my life i am not just a sex symbol, a mere shadow of what sex is about, but i am making love...and making love at the deep level that creates new life.
my body is not in it's best shape, but for the first time it is creates the source of nourishment for my child and gives pleasure to my man.
i am deeply fulfilled.
i feel purposeful and real.
neccessary and primal.
i am at my core.
my heart.
my life is full of love.
everything i give is returned to me a millionfold.
i walk around in my pajamas and make chicken soup.
he buys me daisies and kisses my eyes.
total comfort and trust.
this is what life is about for me.
lili is happy :)
from ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lilizuzu
photo by jason s. shapiro
a family of cats for halloween :)
lilizuzu is 3 months old now
*beams* :)
as you can see, i am still sleep deprived, because this cracks me up to no end!
especially because i have a voice that goes with this, and maybe i will have to record it for you.
actually there is a whole flash animation in my head that goes with this...monty python style.
today is my 1st day being all alone with her, as M has gone back to work.
i am a sad mama cat and i am nervous. (i also think i got my period today for the 1st time since pregnancy)
lili, printheth of thee unicornth, child of go, rules me from her command center...the white noise midi file spewing graco swing.
i am her loyal subject, milk maker, and toe kisser
i am stupidly in love with "the buh" :)
her sweet smells, her little soft parts, her funny sounds.
everything she does completely fascinates me and i watch her constantly with amazement.
it is weird to think that i could never go back to the way things were before..even theoretically if i could go back to a time she did not exist, i could not handle life without her now that i know she is possible.
my life would not be as full without her. the smell and sound and feel of her are permanently part of me now. part of my soul, this earth, my experience, this life.
i could never go back to how things were.
my life will never be the same.
my entire being will never be the same.
i have taken the step through through the portal, the looking glass.
i am on the other side now and there is nowhere else i'd like to be.
i knew i would love her more than anything, but to be here really experiencing this love now is intoxicating. i am the mama cat. the ana mothership has finally arrived.
***
ooo, m and i came up with cool new life plans tonight :)
i hope we can make it work!
if we can, our lives and of course then anacam and ana2 will go in a new exciting direction :)
it involves traveling around the country in a van with a mobilecam. (girlreinvented i need to get your knowledge on this!)
the traveling voog family!
ooo i want it to work so much!
new things! new things to take photos of! new adventures!
(and maybe making a buh #2 :)
lili zuzu fidgets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHY5clUgFIc
lili zuzu sleeps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLwUH3l0E5Y
september's here again...
tomorrow we are going up to my dad's because on sunday he is going to baptize her (he is a lutheran minister in case anyone did not know)
he is really excited to be able to do this :)
i have much to say but i am so so sooo tired.
i will take pix of the baptism, of course, and put some up here after i get back :)
we bought an obscenely butt ugly graco baby swing today that plays nasty classical midi music and has "nature sounds" and vibrates and swings.
it is soooooo UGLY but we were desperate!
"The Buh" loves it so far and we hope it will calm her when she is in her spaz mode.
right now she is sitting in it like a little buddha having a dream.
irrational hormonal thoughts
about 2 weeks ago i started to have the most irrational thought.
this insane feeling that i wanted to be pregnant again ASAP!
i don't know if it is hormones, some sort of animal instinct thing, or a reaction to having, what i call, "empty belly syndrome".
i had months to get used to my belly becoming more and more pregnant but zero seconds to get used to have nothing in my belly at all.
i was not prepared to feel this way or prepared to deal with going from a huge belly to no belly.
i thought i'd be ecstactic to have my body back. to be able to look down and see my vagina again, to be able to bend over and tie my shoes, to be able to sleep on my back.
but instead i am faced with this feeling of loss, looking down, longing, on my linea negra and blown out belly button, running my hands up and down my belly where it once was tight and stretched and full of movement now to just feeling soft giving flesh.
i miss the kicks inside even tho now i get to touch her feet and feel them from the outside. it's nonsensical.
but it's more than this. it's more than just missing the belly. feeling like the queen bee.
at least i think so.
it's something deeper than this. it's something primal and seemingly irrational i tell myself.
i never even wanted one child let alone two.
i am sleep deprived and hallucinatory.
there is no way i could physically and emotionally deal with caring for a new baby as well as be pregnant at the same time.
or dealing with a new baby and a toddler at the same time.
plus knowing that my risks of having another child with down syndrome are very high, i would guess.
not that is a factor in my decisions. it wasn't before and it wouldn't be again and maybe this world needs more people with an extra chromosome.
here i am with the nagging lingering thought that will not leave...i want another child.
i even dream about it, begging M to "put another baby in me"
a compulsive urge beyond my understanding
lili needs a little brother, it says...lili NEEDS a little sister it screams
i must find a way to break this spell if possible, right?
a few more weeks of no sleep and poopy diapers from the "troll buh" will cure me of this, yes?
the 2 sides to "the buh"
 
there are two sides to "the buh" (as we call her)
which is why she is the buh-buh (or the br-br)
faerie buh....and troll buh :)
faerie buh makes seahorse noises.
troll buh is full of existential angst.
anacam's 10th ana-versary
holy farging sh*t!
it's anacam's 10th ana-versary!
a DECADE!
how did that happen?
and will i even have the time or energy to write anything about it?
everything i have gone through in the last 10 years...
and now here i am....with my daughter and my love
it really blows my mind...
lili with her beautiful eyes open :)
almost 3 weeks old
it's hard to get a good photo of her with her eyes open because she squiggles so much.
so i made this one by doing a screenshot from a little digital video i made from this toy aiptek camcorder.
it's a little dark, blurry and pixelated, but you get the general idea :)
i squashed myself into my pre-pregnancy jeans.
huzzah!
i only weigh 5 pounds more than i did before i was pregnant.
pretty incredible really.
this SORT OF makes up for the fact that i can't have any sex yet.
(well not really)
the days pass so quickly but at the same time so slowly.
we got the results from lili's blood test back yesterday when we took her in for her 2 week check up.
and she does, indeed, have down syndrome.
it was hard to hear it definitively...i wasn't expecting to cry about it, but i did cry a bit for the 1st time.
in other news, yesterday her umbilical cord finally came off.
it looks so much nicer now.
she has such a nice little round belly :)
she gained almost a pound, too!
grew an inch.
she is healthy in every other way.
and she smells so sweet.
she makes little "seahorse" sounds.
not like we know what a seahorse sounds like, but if we did, we are sure she sounds like one.
a rare land seahorse.
we call her "crusty, the seahorse", a squeaky feminine creature
and here is her theme song this week:
"i like to eat and i like to poop and i like to sleep and i wonder where i am and who i am and who you are..."
we love her so much :)
updates, co-sleeping, hollow belly
only 4 people correctly guessed the day i would go into labour, which was my official "due date", july 30th.
these 4 people are:
asheur
virgogirl
scarlettal
scoth
so email me at anavoog at gmail dot com to claim your prize :)
---
in other news,
lili is one week old now!
lili is getting more fat :) it's so cool that my milk can do this! what a mystery the body is.
she is squiggling a lot more and attempting to move her head back and forth
she is getting stronger and more vigorous.
she opens her eyes a lot more now and tries to look at things
she cries a little bit more (when she wants things)
she looks at me in the eyes when i talk to her and feed her and jumps at loud noises
she poops a lot :)
i continue to make enough breast milk to feed her, although pumping my milk is sooooooooo boring and makes me feel claustrophobic and i seriously don't know how i am going to deal with doing it 6+ times a day for at least 6 months or more without going completely insane. but i have to...so i will.
my entire life is lili right now. there is no time for anything else.
feed, change diapers, hold her, wash her, watch over her, try to sleep and feed myself, try to bathe myself, do laundry wash bottles
rinse repeat
m doesn't go back to work for a few more weeks still, but i DREAD immensely him going back to work and me being here all alone doing it myself for 10 hours a day. the thought scares the crap out of me but hopefully i will get the hang of it in a few more weeks.
but i really don't know how i will do all of this without M here.
i still don't have my energy back and i continue to be quite sore. and m dropped a big heavy plate on his toe the other day and now he cannot walk.
it is black and blue and he is going to lose that nail, for sure :( he hobbles around now just as i did for the past 6 months because i dropped a bowling ball on my toe. now we have matching toes. it's just weird. we are the limping couple.
my stomache doesn't look as bad as i thought it would, but when i look down at it i do not really recognize it as mine and that freaks me out a little.
yesterday i went to target and i found myself putting my hand on my belly in the way i did when i was pregnant.
then i realized what i was doing and realized that there was no point to holding my hand like that there anymore because there was nothing in my belly and that made me quite sad. my belly is now just an unspecial hollow belly. and i, selfishly, miss the twinkle in people's eyes that i would get as they saw my belly.
it's kind of a drag to go from feeling so special and pregnant and having a magical belly to having a hollow belly that is just flabby with a weird blown out belly button on it now. *a sigh of loss and slight vanity*
my breasts are farging huge and porn starish. (they were already porn starish but even moreso now)
when we tell people that we co-sleep with lili we ALWAYS get "aren't you afarid you are going to roll over on her and suffocate her?"
the answer to this is an obvious "no"
if we thought we were going to roll over on her then we would not co-sleep.
we were trying to think of a way to make people understand that we are aware that she is in the bed with us and so would never do that.
then i realized a good way to explain this is that adults (except in a few rare cases, i suppose, maybe because they are intoxicated or are sleep walkers) never roll out of bed and fall on the floor. if we were all so unaware of the edges of the bed, so completely out-of-it when we are sleeping, you would think that rolling our of bed and falling onto the floor would be an almost nighttime occurrence for most. but it isn't.
we are all aware of where the edges of the bed are and we do not fall off the bed at night.
i also find it extremely sexist that when this concern is brought up, it is always assumed that the man is the one who will end up rolling over and killing his child by accident.
what a horrible thing to put into men's psyches that they are so insensitive, clumsy, and unaware that they would inadvertently kill their own child in their sleep.
men have paternal insticts that are just as strong as maternal. and to invalidate and not recognize that is really damaging, i think.
what an awful fear to put into men that they cannot rely on their intuition and awareness and might kill their own children in their sleep.
it's very sad and ridiculous.
----
there is still a lot we need that is on our baby registry.
i added a bunch of new things because i did not anticipate that i would be using bottles and such.
and we need more pajamas and receiving blankets.
it's easier to know what we need now that she is here.
or M (the dad) has a paypal account, and a few of you have asked if you could paypal lili a gift, so yes, here is the paypal address:
bruc0058@umn.edu
$ will go towards medical bills
and here is the registry:
ana voog and matthew bruce's entire Baby Registry at:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/baby/3BKBUJCBUDKXC
or send us a gift:
please send to:
ana voog
p.o. box 76152
saint paul, MN
55175
and please make cheques and money orders out to:
rachael olson (my legal name) or matthew bruce
thank you!
the milky one,
ana
lili voog gets tickled
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJoYVcJJWLM
(i'm on a roll today :) i'm the proud mama cat)
choosing your perceptions
it is interesting to me how what i share with the world tends to either bring out the incredible darkness in others, or the side of light.
here are two completely opposite responses i received today in regards to lili, her condition, and me being the mother of her.
the dark (this is a response in support of a person on lj who was a jerk to me, telling me that all i do all day is sit on my ass in front of my webcam and think up silly middle names for my daughter...):
"So, this narcissistic exhibitionist, by the power vested in her, brought bad Karma on you for expressing an opinion??? Such self-import!!
I think the G*dess was very wise. A "normal" child would have a miserable life of humiliation and embarrassment that her mother made a living by constantly photographing her private parts for the world. My guess is that when the attention and novelty wears off, the grandparents will be raising the wee one. Sickness; it's what's for breakfast."
---
the light (an email i received today which brought tears of joy to my eyes. one of the most kind emails i have ever received in all my life)
"as with many others.... we followed your pregnancy and celebrated birth and neu life with you and m. my girls are ana fans from its inception..... being themselves internet pioneers....... first on the front and still broadcasting the tru pulse. as early instigators of altar-native life styling......... we support the sovereign spirit in all creative life.... and commend you on your unique authenticity.
but this is not really what i came to say to you.
i read that sweet lili is a downs baby and decided that the love woven within her is worth the extension to stand in witness of. there is something very special about these souls...... and if they are nurtured and honored in love and acceptance..... the radiant love that they exude is quite unlike any other...... with golden hearts that stand as example and reminder to us all. many of this xtra chromosome group are pressured out of their innately wonder-full natures by the weight of resentment inflicted by parents and family who - out of their own vanity - cannot accept them as the gift that they are.
you ana voog have been a champion of the tolerant spirit. challenging those of narrow mind and constricted heart to face up to the limitations of prejudice and exclusiveness........ to show their tru face and shine in celebration of ALL the facets of this Diamond Life...... re-cognizing UNIty dancing within diversity. in your love and honoring of little lili.... and your willingness to share this journey of motherhood with the world....... have the opportunity to teach acceptance in neu ways......... and expand many hearts.
i just wanted to let you know (and i am sure you already do)..... how many tender arms embrace you.... lili...... and michael...... on the Inr planes and outer world....... and how many of us here in the cyberlight support you..
welcome to the 'world of woman' dear ana....... the rite of passage had only through the birthing of a child. no longer a girl (un)dressing up or down....... you are now a Goddess with the power to transform.
sending you deepheart love and the strength of soul that calls forth the Excellence in ALL."
more lili pix :)
that is my expressed breast milk she is drinking
jason's dog, kiyoshi
yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
photos by jason s. shapiro
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