Description:
my story about life with alcohol and what it took for me to get help
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only 1 beer tonight
well i only had 1 beer tonight and as you can see ime still awake,its not so bad really just finding it hard to sleep as my life for the last 12 years has been round the wrong way and its gona take time to try and get it back round the right way again,hey ime not complaing if someone had said to me 2 months ago you wont be smoking weed and only having 1 can of beer i would have thought they were crazy or drunk(no pun intended)but to all alcoholics out there i know its early days for me yet but its no way near as bad as i thought ,i quess the first week was the worst, i hunted everywhere for anything possible i could drink ,but it was all hidden by my parents god bless em i wasent allowed money or even to go out (remember trainspotting)
...I know the meds are keeping me stable right now and i cant stay on them forever (they are more addictive than alcohol but ill cross that bridge with my doc when i come to it)this blog is really helping me too keeps my mind off things and i have been meditating and i can truthfully say that has made a difference too ,its gona be a part of my life forever whatever happens..ime gona listen to some nice tunes now and meditate for a while should be asleep by 3 or so ,thanks for reading this will update tommorow .... on thursday i have to go for blood tests to see how mucked up my organs are(ime scared but i gotta know)whatever happens im gona be the best dad to my kids as they are sooo special to me if i feel sad i look at there pics and it gives me the will to stop all this crap)if anyone is in the same boat as me cant face getting help(if it haddent been for whats happened in the last few weeks i wouldent be where i am now i would be just the same)and ime pretty sure i wouldent have lasted for too much longer in one way or enouther(go see your doc there are some good ones who wont look at you as if your not worth there time) (still feel ime wasting his time when i brought this all on myself but hes soo nice)please get in contact with me for a chat it would help me to!......thanks for reading sorry about he typos as normal ,,take care all update tommorow  
my drink problem and what it took for me to get help
    This is the way ime feeling right and every single part of it is my own fault,Iv been drinking large amounts of alcohol for about 12-13 years .The reasons behind this i will not say as ime not going to try to justify anything that has happenend or ive done,i could blame it on this or that but the truth as i said its all my own doing.Most days i would drink at least 8 cans of larger not a weak larger either 5.2 percent and always a super which was near on double that,i did this for 12-13 years straight day in day out ,if i could get more i would ,christmas, birthdays, partys, i would drink constantly as much as i could fit in the time allowed and then go home and have the usuall,most weekends ide not remember anything at all(probably a good thing as i must have done some pretty silly things).Suprisingly in all this time i only ended up in hosptall once after falling down the stairs,and i dishcharged myself as soon as my shoulder was put back in its socket. Many times i broke ribs and fingers and toes but i got used to that and of cause the alcohol acted as a wonderfull painkiller.Now that was not the only problem i had at the time ,i had been smoking 3 or 4 joints of cannabis a night for roughly the same amount of time,this was fine when i had my beer and smoke ,i could be the most chilled out person there was ,would do anything for anyone .The alcohol was never a problem to get hold of ,but at times cannabis was not available for one reason or anouther and i would smoke soap bar or solid as it is known (this is where i might contradict myself)my own personal veiw of cannabis is it can be wonderfull for some peaple as pain releif and listening to music and being creative ,i beleive personally that alcohol should be banned and cannabis made legal,yep im gona sprout the same old arguments,peale are not generally violent with cannabis unless mixed with other drugs ,and or alcohol(i never ever got violent on either, thankfully im not that type of person ,ciggarettes kill millions a year the same with alcohol,no death has ever been directly linked to cannabis alone ,true some peaple smoke it with tobacco but thats no worse than a ciggarete is and im sure most of those peaple smoke anyway and its they choose do do that.Then there the "oh its a gateway drug to harder drugs "well i smoked it for 13 years and never had an urge to try anything else,i beleive those who go on from cannabis to harder drugs would have found there way there without any help from cannabiss.SO my personall veiw is its fine in moderation and i chose at the moment not to smoke it as i have my alcohol problem to deal with at the moment ,but in the future i may again find a place for it in my life( apeice of advice to anyone smoking soap bar or solid DO NOT its not cannabis at all ,u do not know what the hell you are smoking it could be anything ,ketamine,tranks,tar,sleeping pills, valium or some or all combined to give you some sort of buzz(i know i have smoked it and its not anywhere near a reall cannabis buzz). Now we get to why i am where i am right now.The truth ive lost the love of my life because of all this ,she was the greatest person in the world,she gave everything and i just took and took,we had good times of course ,but i could be a right arsehole at times beacuse of the beer ,the cannabis ,sometimes ide have both and still be an asshole ,sometimes ide have not enouth of one or anouther and be an arsehole(i know that contraditcs what i said about cannabis but i was not into moderation in any way shape or form)i was never violent,just vebally abusive and a generall dick to be around ,she took it and took it all, i was in one way or anouther out of my face everyday ,one day fine ,the next a idiot.So after a me being an asshole once too often she left me..... i miss her like anything and i have 2 lovely kids i absolutely adore,i treated them all as best freinds ,not girlfreind,son,daughter(on my good days at least)(im sure anyone reading this will be thinking i deserve evrything i get and i totally agree with you it was totally my fault and i feel like if she went to the other side of the world with the kids and never let me see them again,i would say fair enouth its what i deserve and i honestly mean that)but hey no thank god shes too nice i can see the kids whenever i want and says she wont here a bad word against me!.(you can see the sort of person she is 1 in a million)havent seen the kids yet have been offered but i gota get my head straight before that)..well thats that part of how i got where i am today(nope not quite when she left i got so so drunk i was found in the middle of the road by a passer by knocked out cold, having nearly been run over by a car, mangled up in a pushbike, i have no memory atall of this ,where i was going what i was doing ,i still dont know ?,I only know what ive been told ,apparently my mum and dad came so did the paramedics who i refused to let look at me,the only thing i was glad about was my mum said i kept appologising to them saying i was fine and please dont waste anymore of there time help someone who really needed it.So i think thats how i got here now have seen the doctor who is a godsend in my eyes (i would have told me to piss off)i have some medication to help me off the drink whitch is working wonderes i still have 2 cans of beer a night at the moment and over the next month or so i hope and pray i can give it up completelyi havent had any cannabis for 3 weeks whitch is a is the longest ive ever gone(what happens in the future im not sure but ime gona try )this episode happened three weeks ago now and i am feeling better than i have in ages yes i m sure i could go on a bender ,but with family,and freinds i am really gona try exspecially for my kids who are the most important ones in all this...well thats it for now i actually feel lots better after writing this ,ime sure theres loads of typos here and there but i never was any good at spelling........would love to hear any comments from anyone a tall ex alcoholics,peaple who have had broken long term relastionships or anyone for that matter (maybye i can help someone who may be going through the same or is an alcoholic right now like me)say anything ya want call me an idiot be abusive if ya like i dont mind this is just the begining for me where it ends up i dont know .......(if youve managed to read thank you take care all xxxxwill update as i go on:)
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